One Small Change: Part Four

INT. JOSH & CAROLYN'S HOME KITCHEN - NIGHT

Later that night Carolyn arrives home

CAROLYN AS JOSH:  Marlene Throtall? Marlene Throtall, Josh? What were you thinking?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Who is Marlene Throtall? Did you notice I washed the dishes all by myself?

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Don’t play games with me. You know Marlene Throtall was horrible to me in high school and you cheated on me with her.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Oh you mean that cross-eyed girl? I knew it was a mistake to let you anywhere near Chuck with a few pints in him.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: You know she wasn’t cross eyed Josh. She was perfect in every way except that she was a total B… . How could you?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Remind me. How many years ago was that exactly.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Not long enough. How could you do this to me?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Is it any consolation to say that she’s terrible in bed? Her face tenses up like she’s in extreme pain and she …

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Josh that’s enough. You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: The couch that has termites on it that we should have thrown out years ago? I’m a full grown woman, you can’t do this to me.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Well it’s either that or Milo’s kennel

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Well it’s not as if I relegated you to the couch when I found out you call me Bronco Billy to your friends.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Well it’s not as if it’s in the same ball park as Marlene Throtall. Besides, what would you like to be called? Five second Freddie? Quickdraw McGraw?

EXT. CARPARK UNDER JOSH WORKPLACE BUILDING - EVENING

On Wednesday evening as Carolyn (as Josh) approaches her car, Dominic her brother approaches her.

DOMINIC: Josh, can we talk?

Both of them sit into the car

Dominic is nervous

DOMINIC: Carlo, isn’t happy. Seen as you gave him the twenty grand last month, he’s now asking for another twenty-five in total. If he doesn’t get it I think he’s going to kill us both.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Carlo, the drug lord? Twenty grand? Is that all I gave him.

DOMINIC: Ok, so it was a hundred or so in total of over the last couple of years.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: How did we get to this stage Dominic? How could I owe so much money to a Drug Baron? I don’t have twenty-five thousand Dominic.

DOMINIC: I know its all my fault Josh. I know I keep telling you I’m going to kick the habit but I can’t help myself sometimes. It has a way of drawing me in.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Maybe a kick in the nuts might stop you from being drawn in. Does Carolyn know about your drug habit Dominic?

DOMINIC: Carolyn’s a bit of an airhead. She doesn’t notice these things. She thinks I’m practically an angel and you’re the dull and boring husband in a marriage that is falling apart.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Would you say that to her Dominic? That she’s an airhead and naïve

DOMINIC: Of course not. You know Carolyn. She’d probably kick me in the nuts and never speak to me again.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Why are you here Dominic? You know that you cleaned me out. You know that I don’t have twenty five thousand.

DOMINIC: This is a nice car. It must be worth twenty grand at least.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: You’re a disappointment of a man Dominic, and you told me that you’re marriage broke up because your wife was cheating on you with your seventy year old neighbour.

DOMINIC: You know I didn’t tell you that. That’s what I told Carolyn

DOMINIC: (after pausing) Josh, if I end up in a river after all of this, what are you going to tell Carolyn? Her brother was killed because, you couldn’t come up with a lousy twenty five grand?

CAROLYN AS JOSH: If my head wasn’t also on the block Dominic, I’d be tempted to throw you in the river myself and weigh you down with rocks and toss in a few sharks.

DOMINIC: Now Josh, that’s no way to react to your wife’s brother now is it?

INT. JOSH & CAROLYN'S HOME KITCHEN

Josh receives a text from Carolyn. It reads: Don’t forget to go to acting classes tonight 8pm. Josh groans. He grabs Carolyn’s script and reads through it on the way to the theatre. She informed him that he only has to remember the final scene

INT. ASSEMBLY HALL OF LOCAL SCHOOL - EVENING

Josh arrives at the theatre. It seats less than two hundred people. It’s an amateur production written by the Director who thinks he’s going to be a superstar someday.

LARS FRIEDEL: 52 years old, five foot seven, dark hair, wears a wig, temperamental, two stone overweight.

LARS FRIEDEL THEATRE DIRECTOR: Have you studied your lines this time Carolyn?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Yes Mr Friedel

LARS FRIEDEL THEATRE DIRECTOR: Ok, it’s the closing scene of the smash hit Boy Gets Girl. Go ahead.

ARMANDE OXLEY: Five foot ten inches tall, thirty five years old, wears fake tan, hails from Yorkshire England but speaks in a Spanish accent, his original name was Fred.

Armande speaks in the part of Ramon De La Croix.

Josh as Carolyn speaks in the part of Juliet De Havilland

ARMANDE: My love, now that I have slain three hundred and fifty six men with my trusty wooden sword to free our great city I declare my life and my passion for you till the day I die

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Oh Ramon

ARMANDE: Oh Juliet

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Oh Ramon

ARMANDE: Oh Juliet

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Oh Ramon

LARS FRIEDEL THEATRE DIRECTOR: Cut, cut. What are you doing Carolyn? You’re supposed to fall into his arms and let him kiss you. There are only so many “Oh Ramon’s” I can take. Start again from Oh Ramon.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Oh Ramon

ARMANDE: Oh Juliet

Josh as Carolyn falls into his arms and he tries to kiss her but Josh as Carolyn resists.

LARS FRIEDEL THEATRE DIRECTOR: Stop, stop. That is the most unromantic kiss I’ve ever seen in my life. I pity your poor husband. Start from Oh Juliet.

ARMANDE: Oh Juliet

Josh as Carolyn, slaps Armande in the face.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Oh Ramon, that’s for killing my Brother

LARS FRIEDEL THEATRE DIRECTOR: Cut. That’s not even in the script and Juliet doesn’t even have a brother. If you’re not going to do this Carolyn I can find someone else who can. Again, from falling into his arms.

This time Josh as Carolyn decides to get it over with and kisses Armande with gusto.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Oh Ramon, were it not for my beating bosom I would hold you closer.

ARMANDE: Oh Juliet, I could never love another as much as I love you, with your beautiful blue eyes and your blonde hair and your big nose.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Don’t forget my ample bosom

ARMANDE: Oh Juliet.

They kiss again

LARS FRIEDEL THEATRE DIRECTOR: Cut. I want to see more passion Carolyn. Do it again

They do it six more times

INT. LADIES CLOAKROOM LOCAL SCHOOL - EVENING

In the ladies cloakroom afterwards:

MARY BETH: 36 years old, Blonde frizzy hair, five foot ten inches tall

MARY BETH: Oh, Carolyn I wish I was you, getting to kiss Armande again and again. He’s so dreamy

JOSH AS CAROLYN: I think I have a few ounces of his fake tan still on me.

MARY BETH: Carolyn, if I had the choice between Armande and Josh. I’d pick Armande every time.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Don’t you think that Josh is better looking

MARY BETH: No, not at all. I think he’s well past his sell by date. Pretty much every part of him is starting to sag. He’s at an age now when he’s letting himself go. If I were you I’d jump ship right now.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Well this Armando guy isn’t so hot. He has a lot of grey hairs and his accent isn’t real. He’s from Yorkshire England. Even the Ferrari that he drives is decades old and a carbon emissions violation if ever there was one.

MARY BETH: That’s all part of the attraction. The grey hair makes him look distinguished and his voice is just to die for.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: I don’t see the attraction. If it was me, I’d be picking Josh every time. He’s intelligent, witty..

MARY BETH: Well last time you were telling me how dull and boring he was. What happened?

INT. MARLET’S BAR - NIGHT

On Thursday evening, Carolyn (as Josh) asks Josh (as Carolyn) out for a drink in a local bar

CAROLYN AS JOSH: So, how was your night in the kennel?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: I did catch a lot of dog hair and the odour wasn’t too good but at least it was comfy and there weren’t any termites. That dog knows how to live it up.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Josh, we have a problem

JOSH AS CAROLYN: What is it?

CAROLYN AS JOSH: That idiot brother of mine, says that we owe twenty-five grand to a mobster named Carlo. He’s supposed to collect some time in the next few days. Dominic suggested selling our car. How did it get to this Josh?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: It started off as two grand and it’s been growing ever since. I didn’t want to tell you Carolyn and didn’t see what else I could do about it. I’m in over my head and Dominic isn’t helping

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Well maybe we should go to this guy Carlo and reason with him? Perhaps if we told him that we don’t have the money maybe he might be understanding.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Yeah, maybe he’ll buy us a lottery ticket and send us home. Maybe underneath the tough mobster exterior, he’s a sensitive guy with principles. Maybe when he hears our sob story he’ll be all cut up about it.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: There must be something we can do. Maybe we could do without a car?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: At some point Carolyn things are going to come to a head. It might be our car this week and next week our furniture. There simply isn’t anything we can do.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: What about the police?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Carlo has informants. Even if there was a straight cop, who would listen to us, Carlo would find out about it. Most cops are afraid of him. Others are on his payroll.

Carolyn (as Josh) goes to the toilet and as soon as she does a man approaches Josh (as Carolyn)

MAN AT BAR: Six feet two inches, 32, Dark hair, slim, Unshaven, 

MAN AT BAR: Hey there sweet chops (as he sits beside her and plants his car keys on the table) Let’s say a gorgeous girl like you and a stud like me take a ride in my Mustang.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: I’m sorry sir, but I’m married

MAN AT BAR: Well G wizz that’s never stopped me before.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: If you don’t leave me alone, my husband won’t be impressed when he gets back

MAN AT BAR: That wimp? Well honey I can take care of him with one hand tied behind my back

JOSH AS CAROLYN: In that case, I may have to call the police

MAN AT BAR: Well I am the police. My cousin is the chief of police

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Please take your hands off me or I will be forced to clobber you

MAN AT BAR: Well honey go right ahead

Josh stands up from his seat and knees him in the groin

The man reels in pain before responding.

MAN AT BAR: Why you, (and strikes Josh on the chin)

Carolyn (as Josh) arrives back from the bathroom.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Look what you did. Why I ought to …. (she fights like an awkward woman with arms out wide, leaving her wide open for a punch on the chin)

Man at bar strikes Carolyn as Josh and sends her to the floor as well.

Another man who is six inches taller approaches.

TALLER MAN AT BAR: That’s no way to treat a lady mister

MAN AT BAR: She had it coming

TALLER MAN AT BAR: Apologise

MAN AT BAR: I’m not going to apologise

TALLER MAN AT BAR: Oh yeah?

MAN AT BAR: Sorry

TALLER MAN AT BAR: Put a little bit of sensitivity into it

MAN AT BAR: Sorry

He then walks away.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Thank you sir

TALLER MAN AT BAR: Why someone would want to hit a pretty little thing like you is beyond me.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Why the world needs more men like you kind sir.

EXT. OUTSIDE MARLET’S BAR - NIGHT

Josh and Carolyn leave the bar and are on their way home.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: These heels are killing me. It wasn’t the best of ideas for you to insist on me trying them out

CAROLYN AS JOSH: You’ve gotta learn some time.

A gang of three young men approach the couple.

GANG LEADER: You’re coming with us

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Oh no we’re not

GANG LEADER: Yes you are or the broad gets her face cut. (produces a knife)

Josh, decides to do something, but is unsure of his footing, using his high heels. He tries to wrestle with one of the gang members but he is ten times too strong for Josh

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Damn this woman strength.

GANG LEADER: Like I said, Carlo wants to see you

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Well now that you put it that way.

Josh and Carolyn are bundled into the back of an SUV

INT. OFFICE AT CARLO’S HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

Josh and Carolyn enter Carlo’s office escorted by three of his employees. Carlo is sitting behind a desk and Dominic is seated in front of him with two of Carlo’s guards also in the same room.

CARLO: Five Feet five inches, 46, 4 stone overweight, mostly bald with dark hair and tanned skin

CARLO: Well, well, well, if it isn’t Bonnie and Clyde. Dominic here has been explaining to me how you two are going to come up with my twenty five grand.

Josh and Carolyn remain silent

CARLO: So where is it?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: We don’t have it

CARLO: This is where I introduce you to my pet Piranha fish.

In a medium sized bowl on his table are two Piranha fish. Carlo takes a steak out of a small refrigerator beside his desk and feeds it to them. Their feeding frenzy is terrifying.

CARLO: Now if I don’t get my thirty grand by next Wednesday that will be both of your hands in that fish tank. Do I make myself clear?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: We really don’t know how we can come up with that kind of money. We didn’t borrow it from you. At this stage we really don’t care if its Dominic’s head in the fish tank, just leave us out of it.

CARLO: Do I look like a compassionate guy? Do you see the tears flowing from my eyes? (deadpan)

CAROLYN AS JOSH: I thought it was twenty five grand

CARLO: It’s called inflation. I have wages to pay and fish to feed. Times are tough for you and me. Sometimes the wife wants to go on a holiday, sometimes she wants a yacht in the Mediterranean, sometimes she wants a yacht in the Caribbean. You know how it is. Them yachts aren’t cheap. At least not the ones she’s buying. Life ain’t fair. Am I making myself clear?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Yes Carlo

CARLO: Please, call me sir.

JOSH: Yes sir

Carlo, gestures for them to leave

INT. MR SELLARS OFFICE - MORNING

Mr Sellars calls Carolyn (as Josh) and Eddie into his office.

MR SELLARS: I want an update on the Calhoun Coffee advertisement. Have you got a story yet?

CAROLYN AS JOSH: We’re working on it boss.

MR SELLARS: You mean to tell me we have one week to the presentation and you have nothing.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Well, I wouldn’t say nothing boss

Mr Sellars puts his head in his hands and expresses frustration.

EDDIE: Would now be the best time to tell you boss that I ate the last of those biscuits you like, with the custard and the jam

MR SELLARS: My favorite biscuits? Gone? All Gone? Get out of my sight.

Eddie and Carolyn stand up

MR SELLARS: I’m done mentoring the two of you. If that presentation isn’t a success next week heads will roll.

INT. BOARDROOM OF SELLARS & CO - MORNING

Carolyn as Josh convenes another meeting with the green team

CAROLYN AS JOSH: It’s time we stopped putting our heads in our hands and waiting for doomsday to happen. Everyone, we have to put out as much ideas as possible together, get them down on paper and use the best ideas to come up with a story. So I want ideas now. Starting with coffee, space and a car that turns into a spaceship. I don’t care what you say there can me nothing dumber than that right?

EDDIE: I sure hope this room isn’t bugged.

MARKO: How about a talking horse

EDDIE: Or a dog that turns into a crocodile

MARKO: Or Santa Claus coming down a chimney

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Maybe we should expand on ideas a little and how they relate to a cup of coffee and space.

ALVIN: We’re doomed