One Small Change: Part Three

INT. MAIN OFFICE OF SELLARS & CO - MONDAY MORNING

Carolyn (as Josh) arrives at Josh’s workplace and sits at her desk.

EDDIE: Hey Josh you’re back and you’re early

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Not quite

EDDIE: You mean its Carolyn right? Your him.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Well done Einstein. So what do you do here anyway?

EDDIE: Don’t ask me. There’s only two people who know what they’re doing in this office, Carter, the hippy over there and Bernstein, the rocket scientist over there. Neither of them are on our team.

Carter: 38, Six feet two inches, long brown hair, glasses, wearing shirt with stripes that were not tucked into his jeans.

Bernstein: 34, six feet tall, thin, glasses, well dressed

EDDIE: Well, at least he looks like a rocket scientist.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Well that’s not good. Who’s going to show me the ropes?

FRIDA: Hi Josh. (with a smile) Fancy a little one on one?

CAROLYN AS JOSH: (under her breath) Bitch

FRIDA: Sorry?

CAROLYN AS JOSH: I’m a bit busy right now. I’ve all these files on my desk and I have to turn on this computer thingamajig.

FRIDA: Well please let me know when you want to review my assets (giggles)

EDDIE: I’ll review your assets no problem. (to himself – after Frida walks away)

MR SELLARS: Ok, Unsworth, Henson, Frida, Thompson and Tetrovic, meeting now.

All five enter the boardroom.

MR SELLARS: Ok Unsworth, I want an update on the Coffee Project and episode six of the series we’ve been working on for the last two years. Whatever you call it.

EDDIE: You mean Henry the Hippo

MR SELLARS: Don’t correct me. Don’t ever correct me.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Boss, I’m not feeling so good. Can I take the week off?

MR SELLARS: Nobody takes a day off on my watch. If you lose a leg you should be able to hop into work. If you’ve got a fever you’ll get over it. Everyone gets over it. Nobody, Unsworth pulls a sickie in my office, except maybe Frida here, who is just delightful with those big eyes and that perfect body, but nobody else. Got it?

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Well, how hard can it be right? Just put a few pictures together. Right?

MR SELLARS: What did you say? Are you mocking me Unsworth? Up to now I thought you were a team player. Nobody mocks me. Lately I’ve had my doubts about you, Unsworth. I’m starting to see a pattern emerging. I think you’re starting to slack off. We have ten days to D-Day. I notice nobody worked late on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. So, the coffee advert , what’s the pitch?

MARKO: Well, we like the space angle

ALVIN: And the car that turns into a space ship

EDDIE: And the coffee. We all like coffee

MR SELLARS: And...

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Pink elephants?

MR SELLARS: What on Earth, have pink elephants to do with Coffee Unsworth? Do I have to do everything myself?

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Well I was thinking that they could sip from the coffee, and jump into a car that takes them to outer space

MR SELLARS : You’ve had two full days and a weekend to come up with something and that’s all that you can come up with? I shouldn’t have to do this all on my own. Team blue don’t need any guidance. Why can’t you be more like team blue?

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Don’t you think that team blue and green are old fashioned references. I’d rather we called ourselves team pink. It might encourage free thinking.

Mr Sellars looks like he is about to explode.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: I also think you could do with re-decorating the office. The design is so twentieth century.

EDDIE: Don’t worry boss, She, he is not himself lately. I’ll take care of it. It must have been the Lasagne he had for dinner yesterday. It was laced with garlic. It sometimes has an effect on him?

INT. MAIN OFFICE OF SELLARS & CO - MORNING

An hour later.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Maybe we should just ask Mr Sellars what he was thinking about when he thought of the car that turned into a spaceship? Once we get him in a good co-operative mood

EDDIE: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Carolyn convenes a team meeting

CAROLYN AS JOSH: I think it’s a good idea that we all meet and at least look like we all are trying fulfil Mr Sellars vision. So – has anyone got any good ideas?

ALVIN: We’re doomed.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Has anyone got any bad ideas? At least if we throw them out there something might happen. At least I think Mr Sellars can’t hear us, so there is nothing to worry about.

ALVIN: We’re doomed

FRIDA: I think your Pink Elephant suggestion was very good Josh

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Nobody likes a suck-up Frida

INT. JOSH & CAROLYN'S HOME KITCHEN

Josh (as Carolyn) gets home at 3:45pm after buying some groceries. He feels stressed and goes for a lie down. At 5:45 the doorbell rings. Josh opens it and sees his Mother in Law standing in front of him.

MARGARITE (Carolyn’s Mother): short blonde hair, neatly cropped, sixty three years old, five foot four inches tall, well dressed, always wears make up

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Mum

MARGARITE: Oh, thank heavens you’re alive. I was worried about you when I visited the hairdressers and you weren’t there. Then they said you were having a bad day and were sent home.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Yes mum, I’m very much alive.

MARGARITE: Can I come in?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Yes of course

MARGARITE: I was afraid that husband of yours had done away with you or driven you to death.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Why would you think that? Isn’t he the best husband anyone could want?

MARGARITE: You know I always wanted you to settle down with Eric Ross.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: The fat kid at school, who could hardly run?

MARGARITE: Yes of course. He has plenty of money and he has lost a pound or two. You’d be a lot better off.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: It isn’t all about money mum. I married for love and am very happy with the result

MARGARITE: That’s not what you told me last time. You told me you hardly spend any time together, rarely share a joke and his bad habits are getting to you.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: What bad habits?

MARGARITE: Well, he snores for a start. It must be those extra pounds he put on that he’s never going to lose now that he’s pushing forty.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: I.. Josh doesn’t snore.

MARGARITE: Then there’s the nose picking. You said it really gets on your nerves. He’s there picking his nose and he flicks it everywhere. Sometimes it’s on the floor and once or twice it landed on your chin

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Well it’s not that bad really.

MARGARITE: Then there’s the ear scratching.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: I better put down the dinner. Josh could be home anytime soon.

Josh stands up and starts to cook some spaghetti bolonaise.

MARGARITE: Honey don’t do that. Surely you know to boil the water before you put the pasta in. And you should do the onions first.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Well it has been a while.

MARGARITE: You told me that its Josh’s favorite and he always insists on it even though you hate it.

The apartment door opens and Carolyn enters

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Honey I’m home

JOSH AS CAROLYN: I’ve just been telling my Mother how great you’ve been lately. You’re so thoughtful, kind and compassionate. It’s like I have a new husband

CAROLYN AS JOSH: You’re such a kidder

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Margarite was reminding me that she wanted me to date the rich fat kid in school, but I must have struck gold with you.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Would that be fools gold or that precious metal stuff.

MARGARITE: It’s strange how Carolyn has such a hoarse voice and Josh sounds like his voice hasn’t broken yet. Anyway. I best be going.

Margarite leaves.

After sitting down to their meal, they speak once more.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: How was work honey?

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Oh you know, I think your boss was having a bad day. He always seemed so nice and you never complained about him at all.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Yes, maybe he was having a bad day

CAROLYN AS JOSH: So how are the girls keeping? Did you make an impression.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: You could say that I made an impression alright.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: That’s great

Carolyn’s phone rings. Josh answers.

VERONICA: Hi babe, its Veronica

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Hi Veronica

VERONICA: Hi Josh. Can you put me onto Carolyn?

Josh clears his throat

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Hi Virginia this is Carolyn

VERONICA: Me and the girls were wondering if you’d like to have a night out tonight. Just the four of us.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: I don’t know. I’d have to discuss it with Josh

(Speaks to Carolyn as Josh)

Honey, the girls want me to go on a night out. I’m not feeling so well, maybe I should stay home. What do you think?

CAROLYN AS JOSH: No Carolyn you should just go for it. Its not every night you get to mingle with the girls.

Josh gives Carolyn an unhappy look as if he doesn’t want to go through with it.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: (Reluctantly) Ok Veronica, I’ll do it 

VERONICA: Ok great. We’ll pick you up at 8:30. Just the girls

INT. RED VOLKSWAGEN GOLF - NIGHT

Kaitlyn, Veronica & Belinda pick Josh up in their red Volkswagen Golf.

KAITLYN, 32, overweight, brown medium length hair, upbeat personality

KAITLYN: This is going to be great. Just the girls

JOSH AS CAROLYN: (Sarcastically) Can’t wait

BELINDA: Yeah Carolyn, there’s a lot of stories going around about Josh cheating on you. You could do with a night out away from that creep.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Isn’t that a bit harsh. Innocent until proven guilty.

BELINDA: Hang him, that’s what I say. He’s lucky to have you.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Don’t you think I’m kinda lucky to have him?

KAITLYN: Well he has put on a few pounds and his facial features are starting to droop

BELINDA: He’s losing his hair as well. He’ll be bald in no time. Say, what was up with you today? You gave that old lady a Mohawk. Is it all Josh’s fault with the cheating and all?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: I guess you could say that.

KAITLYN: Well, we’re going to forget about that asshole and we’re going to talk about nail polish and perfume and fashion. Things that only girls can talk about. We’re going to have a great time.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: I look forward to it

INT. SANTA MARIA BAR - NIGHT

Later that evening

BELINDA: Well isn’t that Chad Pembleton over there in the corner. Wasn’t he your number one back in high school?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: No, I think Josh was always my number one. Josh is just so wonderful.

BELINDA: All you do is complain about Josh. Chad is totally ripped. He’s much better looking and he just split up from his wife. You should just go over there and talk to him.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: I think I’ll pass. I am happily married after all

VERONICA: So did Dr Guru work wonders for you?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Well I guess you could say it’s a work in progress

VERONICA: What did he say exactly? I hear so many wonderful things about him

JOSH AS CAROLYN: I guess you could say that we’re starting to see things from each others perspectives

KAITLYN: Is Josh snoring really as bad as it was?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Well it’s definitely something I can tolerate.

KAITLYN: Does he still wipe his nose on his sleeve like a little kid?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Well it is a minor complaint

VERONICA: No, it’s totally gross

KAITLYN: So, tell us - is he still as bad in the sack as he always was?

JOSH AS CAROLYN: I don’t think that he was ever really that bad. He’s like a fine wine. He improves with age.

KAITLYN: Come on Carolyn, you used to call him Bronco Billy and every night you were in for a bumpy ride.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Bronco Billy eh? What else did I call him.

INT. JOSH & CAROLYN'S HOME KITCHEN - EVENING

On Tuesday evening, Josh and Carolyn have finished eating their dinner

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Honey you ought to watch those calories. You’re starting to put on weight and it’s only been a few days.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: Sorry honey. You should take it as a compliment to your cooking skills.

The phone rings

Carolyn as Josh answers

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Hello

CHUCK: Gosh Josh you don’t sound so good

CAROLYN AS JOSH: I have a slight throat problem it’s been bothering me for days

CHUCK: Well Josh, myself and the boys were wondering if you would like to go out for a few beers. Just to chill out. I know it’s the middle of the week but we think that you especially need to unwind a little

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Well Chuck I don’t know what to say. I have some tidying up and some dishwashing to do.

CHUCK: Well can’t you leave that to your wife. The extra work will work wonders for her figure.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Don’t worry Chuck, I’ll tell her you said that.

Josh as Carolyn had been listening.

JOSH AS CAROLYN: You know what honey, I think you deserve a night out with the boys. Don’t worry about the dishes. They’ll be still here when you get back. Go out and have a few beers on me.

INT. HAMMERSONS BAR - NIGHT

Later in the pub

Eddie, Chuck, Lawrence and Carolyn as Josh are seated at a table in the middle of a pub

CHUCK: Five Feet 8 Inches tall, 36, Dark hair, Light Blue eyes, two stone overweight

LAWRENCE: 34, timid, slim, brown hair, brown eyes, five feet seven inches

CHUCK: (Referring to a waitress who walks by) Well would you look at the rack on her, she is fit. Isn’t she fit Josh?

CAROLYN AS JOSH: She sure is. Even from the perspective of me being married and all

CHUCK: Well Josh, that never stopped you before

CAROLYN AS JOSH: What do you mean by that Chuck?

EDDIE: I think everyone needs another round of beers.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: I’m not even halfway through mine

CHUCK: You can never get enough beer can you Lawrence (as he slaps Lawrence on the back)

Eddie goes to order another round

CHUCK: This brings back memories of old times. Like the times we had twelve beers in the one sitting on Christmas Eve. Weren’t they great memories Lawrence?

LAWRENCE: To be honest after the fourth pint everything seems a bit hazy

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Is this you’re idea of fun Chuck, drinking as many beers as you can before you actually fall off a stool? Shouldn’t you be drinking slower and maybe chat up a few women while you’re at it and actually remember the jokes that your friends came up with.

CHUCK: If I didn’t know any better Josh, I’d say you were talking like a woman. You’re like one of these feminists who isn’t satisfied with making James Bond a new age man, they then want to make him into a woman. What next? Women have their own fantasies about marrying men who can cook, bake and dance like John Travolta. Why can’t men keep James Bond as he is?

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Maybe men shouldn’t aspire to being James Bond. 

CHUCK: I think you’ve been married too long. Pretty soon you’ll be bringing the old ball and chain with you.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: No offence Chuck but you’re pushing forty. Shouldn’t you be thinking of finding a woman of your own?

CHUCK: Women just hold you back. They make you do chores and stuff. You can’t enjoy a night out with the guys. You have to sit there while they watch soap operas all day. You have to fight to watch a football match. Who wants that?

LAWRENCE: Marilyn was fit though

CAROLYN AS JOSH: Yeah Chuck, what ever happened to Marilyn?

CHUCK: She wanted to get married. Next thing you know we’re getting divorced and she wants to take the house

CAROLYN AS JOSH: She wouldn’t get divorced if she loved you. What about Coco

CHUCK: She had a freckle on her thigh

LAWRENCE: Everybody has freckles. Now she was fit

CAROLYN AS JOSH: And Francesca?

CHUCK: She used to sing in the shower, and she wasn’t the best singer. Bloody Journey and “Don’t Stop Believing” every morning. I hate that song. Anyway, everyone knows that a year after everyone gets married the wife puts on twenty pounds. That’s not the life for me.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: You’re no work of art Chuck. You must be carrying an extra thirty pounds yourself

CHUCK: You know Josh you’re beginning to sound a lot like my mother. This is what married life does to you. You have to see things from my perspective. Tonight I’m going to enlighten you. Chill out and have a few beers. Besides, its not as if you’ve been loyal to Carolyn your whole life.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: What do you mean by that?

CHUCK: Well there was Marlene Throtall and Jessica Clement

CAROLYN AS JOSH: I have a short memory. It must be the beer. Fill me in.

CHUCK: Well, before you went out with, Carolyn, you dated Jessica and split up with her.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: And Marlene? Wasn’t she like Carolyn’s arch enemy at High School?

CHUCK: Who could forget that? You had a fling with Marlene when going through a rough patch with Carolyn about six weeks before you proposed.

CAROLYN AS JOSH: How could I have done that? Marlene Throtall of all people. Carolyn’s least favorite person in like the whole world

CHUCK: Well she was very fit. She still looks fit. Don’t worry Josh, your secret’s safe with me. Carolyn is never going to find out about it. That’s what friends are for. They lie for each other.

Eddie comes back with the drinks

EDDIE: What did I miss?