One Small Change: Part Five
INT. JOSH & CAROLYN'S HOME KITCHEN - EVENING
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Josh what are we going to do now. We haven’t a hope in hell of getting together twenty five grand. Even if we do, we’ll probably have to pay double that in a months time.
JOSH AS CAROLYN: There has to be some way of earning money quickly for people like us who are desperate.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Even if we sold our body’s for two months straight we wouldn’t come up with that kind of money
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Eddie was talking about a website, where people sell their virginity for the highest bidder. Some people make thousands out of it.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: That’s practically prostitution.
JOSH AS CAROLYN: I Know, but you don’t have to go through with it if you don’t want to.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: No offence Josh but you’re body isn’t in the best of shape
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Have you any brighter ideas
The doorbell rings. Carolyn as Josh answers. It’s Armande with a bouquet of flowers in his hand
ARMANDE: Hola, Josh. Is Carolyn here? I thought we would go over some scenes. I’m a perfectionist and would like to get our scenes right.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Come in Armande. Carolyn is in the kitchen. She’ll be positively ecstatic to see you.
They enter the kitchen
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Hello Armande. I see you brought me some flowers. You shouldn’t have. I’ll just have to throw them in the bin or Josh will be so jealous.
ARMANDE: I thought we should brush up on our final scene. I think we should get it exactly right my Juliet
JOSH AS CAROLYN: You mean the scene where we kiss again and again? Why I don’t think that Josh would approve.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Well I am a new age man, honey. It’s perfectly ok with me. It’s just an art form nothing more and practice does make perfect. Let me help you move the kitchen table. I’d really like to watch. I always did fancy myself as a theatre director.
Josh has a look of frustration on his face.
JOSH AS CAROLYN: I think the kissing is fine. Its the words and the delivery that are most important
ARMANDE: But people come for the passion my Juliet. Without it there is nothing. Passion gives life to everything.
Otherwise there is no point in living
CAROLYN AS JOSH: I’m inclined to agree with Armande on this. There’s nothing like a deep passionate kiss to set hearts a flutter. I think you should go over that scene again and again until you get it exactly right.
INT. CORRIDOR OF JOSH & CAROLYNS HOME - FRIDAY EVENING
The doorbell rings. Josh as Carolyn goes to answer. Standing outside the door is Josh’s Father.
Josh’s Father (Alf Unsworth): White hair, six feet tall, 68, blue eyes, wrinkled skin, wearing a red and white checkered shirt and blue jeans.
ALF UNSWORTH: Hello Carolyn. You’re looking lovely. Is Josh in?
JOSH AS CAROLYN: No, no, he’s not.
Carolyn as Josh approaches the door.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Oh look, it’s Alf
ALF UNSWORTH: You’re such a kidder Carolyn
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Please come in
ALF UNSWORTH: I just popped around to see if my son would like to join me for a drink
JOSH AS CAROLYN: No, I don’t think she would
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Well, if you’re paying, count me in.
JOSH AS CAROLYN: I don’t think you should go honey. You’ve had a tough day. You should rest up and take it easy. There will be other days
ALF UNSWORTH: Nonsense. Any son of mine is always ready willing and able to down a few pints
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Yes honey, don’t worry. I always say I enjoy Alf’s company. I’ll be fine.
INT. MARLET'S BAR - FRIDAY EVENING
Alf and Carolyn as Josh are seated at the bar.
ALF UNSWORTH: What’s the story with that voice of yours? Do you have something to tell me
CAROLYN AS JOSH: No, it’s just a virus I have at the moment
ALF UNSWORTH: Well as long as it’s not contagious. It’s bad enough that a son of mine hasn’t given me any offspring, without inheriting his effeminate voice
Josh looks up at a television screen in the bar
CAROLYN AS JOSH: So which team are we supporting? I hope it’s not the team in orange. That’s so out of fashion
ALF UNSWORTH: I supported this team as a boy. Hell, you supported them as a boy. Now you’re telling me you don’t even remember
CAROLYN AS JOSH: The Buffalo Broncos? The Indianapolis Eyeliners? Oh, I know, Manchester United?
ALF UNSWORTH: (Clearly frustrated) Are you kidding me? Are you mocking me?
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Corner, ref, corner kick
ALF UNSWORTH: They don’t have any corners in this game son. It’s like you got hit on the head or something. You were never great to start with. But now you’re bloody hopeless
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Offside. Offside ref. Offside.
An hour later, Carolyn as Josh finishes a pint and Alf orders another one.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Alf, I’ve had three already. I don’t think I can handle another one.
ALF UNSWORTH: Three? That’s nothing. Any son of mine can handle his drink. It’ll put hairs on your chest.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: That’s what I’m afraid of
ALF UNSWORTH: Come on drink up
Alf slaps Josh on the back as he says this.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: (Under her breath) I think I’m going to spew.
(louder) It is my birthday tomorrow. I better go home or Carolyn will be disappointed
ALF UNSWORTH: Its not your birthday tomorrow. You were born in the Spring. I know that much. No son of mine goes home after three pints.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: I meant that it’s Carolyn’s birthday tomorrow and I didn’t get her anything yet.
ALF UNSWORTH: Now how on earth could you get so confused. Are you sure you didn’t get hit on the head? Son, you’ve got to cut out this new age man baloney. If there’s one thing that men were meant to do, it’s to go out and drink beer every now and again. Not fuss over their wife.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: I don’t think Carolyn would be impressed if I couldn’t make it through the front door.
ALF UNSWORTH: Are you a man at all? Who wears the trousers in your house anyway? I’m starting to think it’s not you.
INT. JOSH & CAROLYN'S HOME BEDROOM - SATURDAY MORNING
Carolyn as Josh wakes up with a splitting headache.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Don’t forget, honey, today is my birthday.
JOSH AS CAROLYN: How could I forget
CAROLYN AS JOSH: So what did you get me?
JOSH AS CAROLYN: I’ll be back in a while. I forgot I promised Eddie to meet him for breakfast.
INT. DEPARTMENTS STORE - SATURDAY MORNING
Belinda and Josh as Carolyn enter a Department store
BELINDA: So, remind me. Why isn’t you’re husband buying you your own birthday present
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Well, he has a bit of a hangover and he gave me some money to cover it.
BELINDA: How much did he give you?
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Twenty bucks
BELINDA: I’d throttle him myself if I got near him. He probably gave Frida two hundred bucks for her birthday.
Belinda stops when she sees an item she likes
Well aren’t those the most wonderful shoes? Jimmy Choo’s. I can’t resist.
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Oh look. They are $600. A little outside my range. And they’re heels.
BELINDA: No, No. They’re half price. This opportunity does not come often. You’ve got to try them on. This will be your way of getting back at the husband of yours. When he sees you in these, it will be like Frida who?
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Recently I’ve been having balance issues. I think they call it vertigo. I really don’t think I’ll be able to wear them. I wouldn’t like to fall flat on my face.
Josh as Carolyn tries on the shoes and struggles for balance
BELINDA: You go girl. You are rocking it.
Belinda persuades Josh as Carolyn to buy the shoes but then spots a sombrero
BELINDA: Girl, you will look good in this. It’s only $80. That’s a snip
INT. JOSH & CAROLYNS SITTING ROOM - SATURDAY AFTERNOON
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Hi honey, did you get me my present?
JOSH AS CAROLYN: You mean presents?
Josh shows her the presents.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: A Sombrero, I’ll never wear, depressingly dull shoes and tickets to Marlin the Magician. I hope you didn’t spend any more than the twenty bucks you promised. Did you buy me a cure for a hangover?
INT. JOSH & CAROLYN'S HOME KITCHEN - SUNDAY MORNING
After three days of using the website Josh and Carolyn decided to check for the highest bids
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Josh you got like Sixty-Four dollars. I thought my body would be worth more than that
Carolyn checks how much Josh’s body is worth
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Well it looks like your body ended up with eighty-three cent.
JOSH AS CAROLYN: It looks like the dude who wants to pay sixty four dollars, has no teeth, is obese and looks to be in his seventies. It reads: “Welcome to hunksville, sugartits”. Charming. I feel violated already.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Josh there’s no way we can go through with this. We have to make a run for it.
JOSH AS CAROLYN: And remain as we are? Sammy Guru doesn’t get back till Wednesday at the earliest. I’m not staying in this body.
The doorbell rings. It’s Dominic.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: What do you want?
DOMINIC: I think I have a solution to all our problems.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: I ought to hang you
DOMINIC: Can I come in?
CAROLYN AS JOSH: The drug addict claims he has the solution to all our problems
DOMINIC: Please don’t call me a drug addict. I only dabble
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Ok, what is your solution dabbler?
DOMINIC: There’s this ex cop. He now works as a private detective. He’s as tough as they come. He has no friends or family to speak of and isn’t afraid of criminals like Carlo.
JOSH AS CAROLYN: How much does he cost?
DOMINIC: For this job? Twenty grand. Twenty grand and Carlo is no longer a problem.
JOSH AS CAROLYN: It sounds too good to be true. One man to take on an entire criminal gang. It sounds like fantasy.
DOMINIC: This is no ordinary man. He’s a legend
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Then why is he an ex cop
DOMINIC: I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him? I’ve already arranged for him to meet with us tomorrow.
INT. QUIET PUB IN THE SUBURBS - MONDAY EVENING
Monday meeting with Lance Crusoe
DOMINIC: Lance, these are the people I was telling you about. This is my sister Carolyn and her husband.
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: Dominic here, tells me you want to take on Carlo and his men
JOSH AS CAROLYN: In a manner of speaking
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: I have to warn you a job like this will cost you a basic fee of 10gs
JOSH AS CAROLYN: What are the extras? A grand for each mobster you shoot?
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: I hate mobsters. It’s a $500 discount for each one I get to kill
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Dominic told us you would charge $20,000
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: Did he now? I guess Coke doesn’t come cheap nowadays
JOSH AS CAROLYN : Do you have a plan?
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: I have to warn you. Your odds of survival ain’t good. Without me, I’d say you have a 1% chance of survival
JOSH AS CAROLYN: And if you help us?
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: I’d say your odds of survival are 3%
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Those odds aren’t good
JOSH AS CAROLYN: At least tell us your plan
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: I’ll let you know when the time comes
CAROLYN AS JOSH: That doesn’t sound like much of a plan.
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: Most private detectives or cops run from danger lady. I run to it. If you have your own plan or another contractor, be my guest.
INT. MAGREADY’S HOTEL - WEDNESDAY EVENING
At 7:15pm on Wednesday evening Josh and Carolyn enter Magready’s Hotel and Bar in Windeman, twenty miles south of the city. Crusoe had informed them that the establishment was owned by Carlo.
Carolyn (as Josh) approaches the bartender and orders two drinks.
BARTENDER: You’re not from around here are you?
JOSH AS CAROLYN: No, we’re from the city
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Honey, don’t tell them our life story.
JOSH AS CAROLYN: We’re safe as houses here. They’re never going to catch us. By the time they realise we’re gone, we’ll be across the state line.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Honey isn’t that enough information
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Relax, this barman couldn’t care less about our situation. What’s your name?
BARTENDER: Fred
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Fred here is a stand up guy. He doesn’t care which mobster wants our money and Fred here is the kind of guy who puts the customer first. If some hoodlum comes in here with a gun and threatens Fred and asks him were we here, Fred isn’t going to tell them are you Fred?
BARTENDER: Of course not. Which mobster are you fleeing from?
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Oh you know the one. Short guy. Tiny. Almost a dwarf.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Honey you’re not being fair to dwarves
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Well he does have a massive temper. I expect he’s compensating for something. He keeps these fish in a fish tank and boy are they hungry. He likes feeding them. Vicious little buggers. Boy are we glad to be free of him.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: We’re going to just take off and find a new life way out west.
BARTENDER: You really ought to stay here for the night
JOSH AS CAROLYN: No, we’re just here for a short pitstop. A cousin of ours knows this guy who has a ranch. It’s called Hallebert’s valley. The pictures look amazing. It’s surrounded by hills on either side. We were planning on going there and meeting up with relatives and then we’re headed across the state line.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: I expect you’ll keep this all to yourself
BARTENDER: Go easy on those cokes, by the sounds of things you’ve a lot of driving to do. When were you supposed to meet this drug dealer?
CAROLYN AS JOSH: 7:30
BARTENDER: Why you’ve only about ten minutes to make it
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Sure as hell disappointed to let down the little midget. He’ll be jumping up and down like a kid on a trampoline only a hundred times angrier.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Honey you better knock back that Coke. We’ve a lot of driving to do.
The couple leave.
The bartender picks up his mobile and calls Carlo
CARLO: This better be important.
BARTENDER: Boss, the couple you were supposed to meet at 7:30 were here.
CARLO: What did they look like?
BARTENDER: Well, the woman sounded like Homer Simpson’s Sister in Law and the husband sounded like he was taking helium
CARLO: That’s them alright. Did they say where they were going?
I/E. WOODEN HOUSE IN HALLEBERTS VALLEY - EVENING
Josh and Carolyn park their cars outside a medium sized wooden house. The house is the only dwelling in the valley and is in need of repair. It is surrounded by hills on either side. The couple enter the house where they are greeted by an old man.
CHESTER SCARLETT, 70, Five Feet Eight Inches, two stone overweight, white hair and white beard with a tweed hat, red and white chequered shirt with suspenders.
CHESTER SCARLETT: Howdy, my name is Chester Scarlett. You must be Josh and Carolyn.
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Yes we are.
CHESTER SCARLETT: I’m looking forward to the show
CAROLYN AS JOSH: What show?
CHESTER SCARLETT: Well we’ve planned a shoot em up for tonight
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Aren’t you scared?
CHESTER SCARLETT: Should I be?
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Well, we don’t know how many mobsters will be parking their cars on your front lawn.
CHESTER SCARLETT: The more the merrier
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Are you going to partake in this shoot em up?
CHESTER SCARLETT: I’ll just leave that to Lance
JOSH AS CAROLYN: But he’s only one guy.
CHESTER SCARLETT: I’ve got to go sometime
EXT. HALLEBERT’S VALLEY - EVENING
At 8:40pm it is still daylight, when six black SUV’s drive towards the lone dwelling in the valley and park on the lawn.
Most of the men get out of the vehicles armed with guns and call on the Unsworths to come out of the building.
CARLO: I want my thirty grand, ladies.
JOSH AS CAROLYN: We haven’t got your thirty grand
CARLO: Nobody runs from Carlo. In this case, we’re just going to have to make an example of you
Carlo gives the signal and his men start shooting bullets at the house.
As they do so, many of the mobsters are killed by a sniper on top of the hill
CARLO: Stop shooting. (as he and his men seek cover behind their bullet proof vehicles)
Only six of twenty mobsters remain.
EXT. HILLTOP OVERLOOKING HALLEBERT’S VALLEY - EVENING
On top of a hill, Lance Crusoe is waiting for the slightest sign with his rifle of movement so that he can eliminate further mobsters.
CARLO: Give up, before it’s too late
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: (Under his breath) I like my odds
A mobster from behind Crusoe cocks his gun.
MOBSTER ONE: How do you fancy your odds now?
Crusoe turns around and sees four armed men behind him.
MOBSTER ONE: Remove all your weapons?
Crusoe stands up and drops four handguns and two knives to the floor as well as a grenade.
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: Don’t worry ladies, its clipped
The mobsters escort Crusoe down towards where Carlo is located, occasionally kicking and pushing him. Crusoe’s glasses remain intact.
EXT. HALLEBERT'S VALLEY - EVENING
All of the mobsters are now out of their vehicles. There are fourteen remaining.
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE
So, this is the famous Lance Crusoe. We meet at last. Tell them to come out of the building before we riddle it with more holes
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: I’d rather eat dust
CARLO: That can be arranged.
Punches Crusoe on the chin
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: Oh that tickles
CARLO: Well there’s more where that’s coming from.
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: I wouldn’t do that if I were you
CARLO: Why not?
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: You might make her angry
Suddenly more mobsters are shot in the head and fall to the ground.
Eventually only Carlo is left
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: I did warn you not to make her mad
Carlo is now frightened.
CARLO: Don’t you lay a glove on me. This is only a small part of my army. You will feel my wrath.
Another shot is made, this time clipping Carlo’s belt and forcing his trousers to fall down
Carolyn, Chester and Josh emerge from the house
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: Well Fatboy, it looks like you’re going to be doing some time
CARLO: With my lawyers I’ll be out in a jiffy
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: Well maybe I’ll have to finish the job off right here, right now.
CARLO: You wouldn’t
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: Oh yes I would.
At this point Carolyn and Josh are standing beside the ex cop
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Why thank you Mr Crusoe, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you.
Crusoe grabs Josh (as Carolyn) and holds her as if he is about to kiss her
JOSH AS CAROLYN: Mr Crusoe, I’m married.
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: Damn PC
CAROLYN AS JOSH: Don’t stop on my account
JOSH AS CAROLYN: You’re not even the tiniest bit jealous honey?
CAROLYN AS JOSH: So how much do we owe you now that you’ve killed more than twenty mobsters?
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: Oh, I think we could call it about even.
A lone individual, dressed in black, descends from the hills on the far side and walks toward them. As the figure comes closer it looks like a woman wearing similar clothing to Lance Crusoe. Eventually, she is left standing beside the ex cop without saying a word.
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: My sister Robyn. She’s almost as good a shot as I am.
ROBYN CRUSOE: Well, I did shoot fatboy’s britches off from four hundred yards away.
FORMER DETECTIVE LANCE CRUSOE: A lucky shot. You were probably aiming for his manhood
ROBYN CRUSOE: Well in fairness, it is a small target
CAROLYN AS JOSH: The family resemblance is striking.
Sirens can be heard in the distance.