Project Five: Part Three

INT. MR PEABODY’S FILING ROOM - ONE HOUR LATER

Andrea climbs a ladder and files away some files. Amid the dust she finds a glossy brochure which reads “Barnacle’s Paradise”.

She sneezes

The brochure has pictures of exotic places and cosy looking properties.

It reads: “Would you like to escape your dull, hum drum life and get away to paradise? No strings attached. No need to pay for heating and no qualifications necessary. Call Mr Barnacle. Please don’t bother with the fine print.”

Andrea looks at the bottom of the brochure for the fine print but it is far too small to read.

She picks up a magnifying glass to examine it, but it is still unreadable.

Andrea considers it for a moment but goes about her business.

EXT. STREET NEAR ARNOLDS WORKPLACE - MORNING

Arnold ambles his way down the street in a suit. Two large bulky men approach him and grab either arm.

ARNOLD: I don’t know who you are, but you must have the wrong guy

MOBSTER NO 3: Palmer. We have the right guy alright. You’re going to meet Mr Big and he’s not happy.

ARNOLD: Is there anything that I can do to cheer him up? Does he like chocolates? We could probably stop off somewhere along the way.

The two strong men bundle Arnold into a large Mercedes car. 

INT. AUDI A3 CAR (MOVING) - MORNING

Arnold sits in the middle of the back seat. Two strong men on either side of him. In front of him is a driver wearing black gloves. SMALL TIME FREDDIE sits in the passenger seat. He holds a gun with a silencer. 

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Early 50’s, male, strongly built, bald, criminal, intimidating, sarcastic.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: I hope we’re not going to have any trouble with you, Mr Palmer

ARNOLD: No trouble at all (Nervously)

Small Time Freddie takes a call. He nods and hums in agreement to the caller over a period of twenty seconds before hanging up.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Unfortunately, Mr Big has been detained. You know how it is - being a successful businessman.

ARNOLD: I wouldn’t like to waste your time much longer.

Arnold attempts to move but is restrained.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Mr Big would like to know how you came to know the love of his life.

ARNOLD: Bingo. She likes playing bingo. 

Small time Freddie plays with the revolver in his hand.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Bingo?

ARNOLD: Strictly, friends zone. She was quite good at it, really. I bumped into her the other day. Strictly friends.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Well, we happened to be doing some spring cleaning and came across some CCTV footage of you and eh, the love of his life. You looked quite cosy.

ARNOLD: Well, we’re both warm people.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Maybe you could tell me something about what happened to her? Mr Big can be a very impatient guy.

ARNOLD: I didn’t see?

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: And Mr Big’s employees?

ARNOLD: I didn’t see that either.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: I don’t think you understand. Losing the love of his life is one thing but losing two dedicated, gold standard employees is another. You want me to report back to Mr Big with - I didn’t see anything?

ARNOLD: Maybe something will come back to me. Sometimes details can pop up when you least expect them.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: I’m sure Mr Big will be enchanted.

EXT. CITY STREET NEXT TO A PARK - DAY

Arnold Palmer is thrown out of a car into an alleyway. He suffers minor cuts to his hands, bruises to his legs and ribs.

A kid runs up to him and sprays him with a water gun. Andrea stands over him.

ANDREA: They will eventually kill you, you should know. 

ARNOLD: Thanks for the pep talk.

Arnold walks across the street to a park. The RAIN starts to PELT down.

INT. MR PEABODY'S FILING ROOM - DAY

Andrea places some books on the bookshelf but out of alphabetical order. The brochure is on a nearby shelf. She takes it in her hands and retreats down the ladder. Andrea looks at the brochure again.

ANDREA: I wish I could go there

INT. MR BARNACLES OFFICE - DAY

Andrea slides down a chute and lands in a nicely furnished office.

MR BARNACLE emerges from behind his desk with a big smile on his face and an open hand.

MR BARNACLE: 30’s, male, suave, attractive, well groomed, shallow, has a dark side.

MR BARNACLE: Andrea, great to finally meet you. Welcome aboard. Barnacle by name, devilish by nature.

They shake hands. Mr Barnacle sits behind his desk. Andrea plants herself opposite him.

ANDREA: I have to say Mr Barnacle I like what you’ve done to the place. That suit is to die for, and you’re much more handsome than that fuddy duddy Mr Peabody.

MR BARNACLE: Well, I aim to please. As I always say the first impression creates a lasting impression. Now lets get down to business.

ANDREA: When can I move in?

MR BARNACLE: I’ve been looking over your credentials. You cheated on 51% of your tests.

ANDREA: Well, I...

MR BARNACLE: Now down here, that counts for a lot. After all who likes hard work? A little ingenuity never did anyone any harm. 

ANDREA: You’re creating quite the first impression, Mr Barnacle.

Mr Barnacle stands up from behind his desk.

MR BARNACLE: Wait till I show you the tour.

He leads Andrea to another room.

LUXURY SPA IN HELL: Mr Barnacle leads Andrea through a luxurious spa room with many people relaxing and chilling out

MR BARNACLE: This is where you will relax. The door to your left is where you can eat, drink and never get fat. The door straight ahead shows you movies. Strictly, no Christmas movies. 

ANDREA: Well, who likes happy endings?

MR BARNACLE: The door with a d is for when you want to get high, the door with an S is for... well you the picture.

She pauses

What does that door show?

(pointing to a door on the right with no letter)

MR BARNACLE: Most people don’t go there.

ANDREA’S CONTROL ROOM

Mr Barnacle leads Andrea to a control room. Small room with a large screen showing Arnold going about his daily life. In front of the screen is a panel with buttons and levers.

MR BARNACLE: This is where you will work. At any time you can order takeout. You will not feel tired and need not sleep.

ANDREA: No rest for the wicked then. What do I have to do Mr Barnacle?

MR BARNACLE: Your business is in making people see the light, that there is an easier life for them down here than upstairs. Life doesn’t have to be a grind. 

ANDREA: You make it sound like paradise.

MR BARNACLE: Upstairs is not all its cracked up to be, is it?

ANDREA: A total snoozefest. 

MR BARNACLE: There are other tools you can use such as what I call “Events of Misfortune”. You have three Events of misfortune that you can apply to a subject’s life by pulling this lever.

Mr Barnacle puts his hand on one of the levers.

ANDREA: Up there it was so stuffy and full of rules. This place seems so refreshing and interesting.

MR BARNACLE: Our best workers sow seeds in their subject’s minds. The three most important tools you have to combat are faith, hope and ugh.

ANDREA: Ugh?

MR BARNACLE: The four-letter word that should never be mentioned. If you can obliterate those three things, you can destroy the project’s purpose.

ANDREA: My only purpose in life was to be rich and live a life of luxury.

Andrea sits down in the chair in front of the control panel. She swivels around.

MR BARNACLE: Unfortunately, many of your subjects will believe in ugh. It’s totally disgusting. We must make them turn their back on the positive and make them want to make easier choices.

ANDREA: Why should I do good? What has good ever done for me?

MR BARNACLE: By coincidence, I have that tattooed across my chest.

ANDREA: What happens if I fail?

MR BARNACLE: Well, then let’s just say we turn the heat up. 

ANDREA: You have such a wicked sense of humour. I just know we’re going to get along like a house on fire.

MR BARNACLE: You’re not going to fail. You’ve got potential.

Mr Barnacle taps her on the shoulder.

ANDREA: Nobody has ever said that to me in my entire life

MR BARNACLE: I know. You have every motivation to succeed Andrea. You are now in paradise. Make me look good, or really, really, bad for the big boss.

ANDREA: The big boss?

MR BARNACLE: You know who I’m talking about.

Mr Barnacle leaves.

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT OFFICE - EVENING

Arnold ambles towards Detective Legowski in an open plan police department. The police detective sits at his desk, admiring a picture from a glamour girl magazine. Legowski stuffs it in his drawer once he sees Arnold.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Are you here to confess, Mr Palmer?

ARNOLD: No Detective Legowski, there was something I was afraid to tell you.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: What is it?

Detective Legowski grabs a pen and a notepad and starts to doodle.

ARNOLD: I think the murderer is a contract killer hired by a rival boss. He wore a hat and glasses and looked to be taller than average and aged in his fifties. You probably caught him on CCTV in the area.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: You’ve changed your story, and you expect me to believe you? Next thing I know, you’ll expect me to believe that we managed to put a man on the moon.

ARNOLD: I’m telling the truth.

Detective Legowski draws a picture of a teddy bear dangling from the gallows

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: A hat and glasses? Tomorrow he could be wearing makeup and a mini dress.

ARNOLD: The killer most likely killed Mr Big’s men and his girlfriend. If you don’t track down the contract killer, Mr Big will...

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: I see, so you got too big for your boots. You killed too many people for Mr Big’s liking and now you expect us to bail you out.

ARNOLD: I was kind of hoping you would do your job.

Detective Legowski writes the word “Guilty”

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: We don’t bail out criminals in our line of business Palmer. Now I want a confession from you or I’m going to be watching your every move from now on. 

ARNOLD: But...

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: You won’t be able to scratch yourself without me knowing about it. My tenth sense has been honed from years and years of experience. 

ARNOLD: Aren’t there only five senses?

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: For a normal person. I am no ordinary police Detective Palmer. It’s like I toss the dice and every time it tells me you’re guilty.

Detective legowski also writes the words “two cartons of milk and half a dozen eggs”.

ARNOLD: Justice shouldn’t be based on the tossing of dice.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: You may think you can outsmart me but I’m nearly thirty years in this business. I’m going to bring you down just like the Hurricane.

ARNOLD: Wasn’t the Hurricane innocent Detective?

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Not in my book. I know everything there is to know about police work. I’ve read all the books from Magnum PI to TJ Hooker. Nothing gets past me.

Detective Legowski draws a fire underneath the teddy bear.

ARNOLD: Can I go now Detective?

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: You won’t be gone long. I’ll see to that.

EXT. STREET NEAR POLICE HEADQUARTERS - EVENING

As Arnold leaves the Police department he is tracked by four white vans at walking speed. 

INT. THAI RESTAURANT - EVENING

Arnold enters a Thai Restaurant. Andrea follows him.

ANDREA: Arnold where are you going?

Arnold approaches MINDY seated at a table all alone.

MINDY: 24, female, attractive, slim, polite, two timer.

ARNOLD: Mindy?

MINDY: Yes. You must be Arnold

ANDREA: She’s only going to break your heart, Arnold. How can you sit there and eat Sushi with her?

ARNOLD: Sushi is Japanese. This is Thai.

MINDY: Pardon

ARNOLD: Sometimes I have to keep reminding myself of things. So, tell me about yourself. What are your interests?

MINDY: I’m a daredevil. Rollercoasters, diving out of aeroplanes. That kind of stuff.

The waiter approaches.

WAITER IN THAI RESTAURANT: Can I take your order

MINDY: I’ll have the Pad Thai

ARNOLD: I’ll have what she’s having.

The waiter leaves

ARNOLD: I can’t believe we’ve actually ordered. This is usually the point when a huge tornado tears the roof off the place, or an enormous hippopotamus bulldozes everything in sight.

Mindy grabs Arnold’s hand.

MINDY: Trust me, that isn’t going to happen. I have a good feeling about you.

At this point MINDY’S BOYFRIEND enters the restaurant 

MINDY’S BOYFRIEND: 32, male, strong, bald, angry

MINDY’S BOYFRIEND: Mindy, who is that man with you?

I’ll kill him.

Two waiters try to restrain the large powerful man without success.

ARNOLD: Who is this?

MINDY: My boyfriend

Arnold stands up. Keeping his distance from the powerful man. Arnold is chased around the restaurant but manages to evade the strong man and runs out onto the street. 

EXT. LOCAL PARK - EVENING

Arnold runs to a local park where he sits on a bench.

ANDREAYou deserve better than this Arnold. You deserve to experience paradise. It just doesn’t look like it’s going to happen in this life.

ARNOLD: Isn’t that what they tell suicide bombers.

ANDREA: I’m your guardian angel. I’m here to help you make the right choices.

ARNOLD: You don’t exactly seem like guardian material

ANDREA: I left Bigsy before I met you. I always had the best of intentions Arnold. You need help and I’m here for you.

ARNOLD: Well maybe my decisions haven’t always helped.

ANDREA: I’m a woman Arnold. I know how women think. Stick with me and you can have the woman of your dreams. If you don’t get a date for the Orchid’s Ball, you never will.

ARNOLD:  guess, I’ve never understood women.

ANDREA: Let me help you Arnold and one day I will grow wings.

ARNOLD: What have I got to lose?

Arnold notices TAMARA sitting on the other end of the bench. They exchange glances. Arnold walks away.

TAMARA: 27, Female, Blond hair, attractive, timid looking.

ARNOLD: Great. She probably thinks I’m a total wacko.

TAMARA: She’s not your target market, Arnold. Trust me.

INT. VAN PARKED OUTSIDE ARNOLDS APARTMENT - EVENING

Within the van are three people, two men and a woman. They have recording equipment and are spying on Arnold

CHANNON: 40’s, male, Dark hair, overweight, casually dressed cold.

ARI: 27, male, slim, well dressed, naive.

SYLVIA: 29, female, attractive, slim, cynical.

CHANNON: This guy’s a total Loo-la. He’s constantly talking to himself

ARI: Maybe he’s not talking to himself. Maybe it’s code and this guy is more sophisticated than we know

SYLVIA: Does he look sophisticated? It really doesn’t matter. He’ll be dead in a few days if not hours. 

CHANNON: The imbecile doesn’t know we’re listening in to him.