Project Five (Rewrite) Part Two

INT. ARNOLDS APARTMENT MAIN LIVING AREA - NIGHT

Arnold staggers toward the door in Spiderman pyjamas. He leaves the chain on and peers out. DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI and DETECTIVE COBALT stand there with identification.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Forties, fair hair with a hint of grey, average height, relatively trim, thinks he’s smarter than he is. 

DETECTIVE COBALT: late twenties, four inches taller, with dark hair and tanned skin, humble, loyal. 

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Mr Palmer I’m Detective Legowski and this is my partner, Detective Cobalt. We’d like to ask you a few questions. 

ARNOLD: Of course

Arnold opens the door fully. They enter.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: You were spotted on CCTV in the vicinity of a crime scene just over an hour ago. Two members of a crime gang were shot and killed. Do you know anything about that?” 

ARNOLD: Can you tell me where that is?

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Baker Street.

ARNOLD: It doesn’t ring a bell. What makes you think it was me?

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Doris works at the station. She’s sixty-three She says she went out on a date with you one time, and it was a total disaster. It lasted six minutes.

ARNOLD: That must have been one of my longer relationships.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Come now, Mr Palmer, you must know something? There is a three-minute period between two CCTV cameras spanning a journey that should take less than a minute.

ARNOLD: I don’t know anything.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: The woman you were with was also detected fleeing the scene in the opposite direction. What is it that you know? 

ARNOLD: Well, as you can tell, I tend to have that effect on women. 

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Mr Palmer, we would like you to come with us down to the station. 

ARNOLD: I’m not appropriately dressed

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: We’ll wait

INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT OFFICE - NIGHT

Arnold, Detective Legowski and Detective Cobalt are seated around Detective Legowski’s desk. On the desk are some untidily stacked files, a computer, a banana skin, a three-hour old cup of coffee and half a stale sandwich.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Mr Palmer, we have now established the identity of the woman you were with. Her name is Andrea Fiddlestone. She is a mistress of Mr Big. I doubt Mr Big would be too happy if he found out you were flirting with his girlfriend.

ARNOLD: I didn’t know who she was.

Detective Legowski plays with a rubber band in his hand.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI:At this present time, we have forensic experts combing your apartment for vital clues. I am going to ask you one final time Mr Palmer. What happened?” 

ARNOLD: Detective Legowski, I don’t remember anything out of the ordinary happening. I probably stopped to tie my shoelace or something. It’s just a coincidence. 

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: And the woman running away?

ARNOLD: Like I said, I don’t exactly have a gift when it comes to women. Maybe she saw two men approaching and decided to run away.

Detective Legowski hurts himself with the rubber band and drops it on the table.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Not three men. Not seven, but two men?

ARNOLD: Yes, isn’t that what you told me? Two men.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: How many fingers am I holding up?

ARNOLD: Two

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Good. You can count. 

ARNOLD: Will this go on much longer Detective.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: We are now investigating a triple homicide. The woman was also found dead, and you are our prime suspect.

Detective Legowski leans back in his chair and almost falls over.

INT. LOCAL SUPERMARKET - MORNING

Arnold is acquiring groceries in the local supermarket when he notices Fallulah.

ARNOLD: Who is it today? Fallulah? Andrea?

(with a hint of sarcasm and frustration)

Arnold picks up a melon and plays with it in his hands.

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: You can see me?

ARNOLD: No, I don’t want to see you. You belong to Mr Big. 

ANDREA: I don’t belong to Mr Big anymore.

ARNOLD: I’ll let him know before he kneecaps me.

Andrea tries to pick up an orange but it falls to the ground.

ANDREA: You don’t understand. I’m dead. 

ARNOLD: Not from where I’m standing, you’re not. Obviously, Legowski didn’t check his facts. Now leave me alone.

Arnold picks up the orange and puts it back.

ANDREA: Come on, hit me. 

ARNOLD: I wouldn’t hit a girl.

ANDREA: Go on. Go ahead

ARNOLD: Why would I hit you?

MRS PINKELMAN: You better not, shorty

Mrs Pinkelman runs over Arnold’s toe with her trolley and catches his hip causing Arnold to grimace.

In doing so, Mrs Pinkelman passes straight through Andrea.

Arnold drops the melon into the basket.

ARNOLD:  Sorry Mrs Pinkelman

ANDREA: Did you just say sorry to a woman who ran over your toe?

ARNOLD: You mean to say that you’re a ghost?

ANDREA: Yes, Einstein that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for the last half hour. 

ARNOLD: Well, you could have gotten to the point a lot sooner.

Andrea shrugs her shoulders in frustration

ARNOLD: Am I the only person who can see you?

ANDREA: So far.

ARNOLD: Ghost or no ghost, I’d rather stay out of this one. It’s been nice knowing you.

ANDREA: There must be a reason why I’m still here.

ARNOLD: I’m not tracking down your killer. Me, a total chicken against a guy with expertise in guns and fighting and killing people. I’d rather wax my legs or bite my toenails. 

ANDREA: Maybe I’m going to win an Oscar for best fashion sense or attend the Met Gala ball.

ARNOLD: It might help, if people could see you.

ANDREA: Why am I stuck with a total loser. I could tell from the moment I met you that you were the kind of loser that allows people to walk all over him and who cries himself to sleep at night

ARNOLD: Not every night.

Arnold pauses for a moment

That’s my life story in a nutshell. The one woman I spend more than five minutes with and she’s shallow, vain and

immoral

At this point a middle-aged woman approaches Arnold. 

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN: Do you need help?

Suddenly, Arnold realises that half the supermarket is looking at him as if he is stone mad.

ARNOLD: Sorry, its the latest technology. I’m on a phone call.

INT. MOYEN STASBOURG’S RESIDENCE - DAY

SAMUEL SNEAD hurries into Moyen’s office with his briefcase in his hand. MOYEN STRASBOURG is seated behind a desk holding a pen.

SAMUEL SNEAD: 50’s, Lawyer, Male, Dark Thinning hair, smaller than average, wears glasses, slimmer than average, well dressed, slippery.

MOYEN STRASBOURG: 50’s, Female, Fair hair with a hint of grey, well groomed, wearing glasses, well dressed, slim, cold, ruthless.

MOYEN STRASBOURG: Samuel this better be good. I’m late for dinner.

SAMUEL SNEAD: It is important but I’m not sure you are going to like it.

MOYEN STRASBOURG: What is it?

SAMUEL SNEAD: Just remember that you are the first person I came to.

MOYEN STRASBOURG: What? Do you want, the trumpets to sound?

SAMUEL SNEAD: Your Father has changed his will.

MOYEN STRASBOURG: It all goes to me I hope

SAMUEL SNEAD: Not quite

MOYEN STRASBOURG: Surely to God, not Nesbitt?

SAMUEL SNEAD: No

MOYEN STRASBOURG: Who then?

The lawyer shuffles through the papers in his briefcase to find the name. 

SAMUEL SNEAD: Arnold Palmer

MOYEN STASBOURG: Who the hell is Arnold Palmer?

Moyen slams the pen against the desk.

SAMUEL SNEAD: I don’t know yet. I have an address.

MOYEN STASBOURG: Snead, dinner is cancelled. Do you realise the ramifications for this? 

SAMUEL SNEAD: Yes Mam

MOYEN STASBOURG: No caviar for breakfast. No skiing in the Alps. It’s positively catastrophic.

SAMUEL SNEAD: Yes Mam

She throws the pen from her hand hitting a vase. The vase falls to the floor in small pieces.

MOYEN STASBOURG: I will not rest until this Arnold Palmer is declared insane, six feet under or whatever it takes for justice to prevail.

EXT. WOODED AREA IN THE COUNTRYSIDE - LATE AFTERNOON

NESBITT STRASBOURG is strolling through a wooded area with a shotgun in hand. Beside him is Samuel Snead

NESBITT STRASBOURG: 50’S, male, average height, slim, dressed in a dull tweed suit, miserly and devious

SAMUEL SNEAD: Don’t forget Nesbitt, you were the first person I came to. It’s meant to be hush, hush.

NESBITT STRASBOURG: Palmer, eh? I went to school with a guy called Palmer

SAMUEL SNEAD: This guy is little more than half your age.

NESBITT STRASBOURG: His Father then?

SAMUEL SNEAD: Palmer is a regular name. I doubt it

Nesbitt aims for a bird and shoots. He hits a branch that falls to the ground - narrowly misses them.

SAMUEL SNEAD: What are you going to do?

NESBITT STRASBOURG: Sam, you’ve got to remember, this is all hush, hush. What won’t I do? I’ll make sure he regrets the day he was born. 

SAMUEL SNEAD: Good day sir. I wouldn’t like for your Father to see us together. Bad for business.

NESBITT STRASBOURG: And Samuel, I respect the fact that you came to me first. I always knew we got along. Keep me informed.

EXT. STREET NEAR ARNOLDS APARTMENT - MORNING

Arnold climbs out of a dumpster. CHAIM CLARKE and LYDIA approach him. Arnold touches the eggshells in his hair.

CHAIM CLARKE: 20’s, male, well dressed, conceited, shallow

CHAIM CLARKE: Arnold. It’s you isn’t it?

Arnold blushes.

ARNOLD: Chaim

CHAIM CLARKE: What were you looking for?

ARNOLD: My Ferrari. It’s kind of a small Ferrari.

CHAIM CLARKE: This is my girlfriend, Lydia. Hot, isn’t she?

ARNOLD: Sure.

LYDIA: Oh Chaim.

A homeless man also climbs out of the dumpster.

HOMELESS MAN: See you tomorrow, Arnold

CHAIM CLARKE: Who is that?

ARNOLD: A friend. We’re not lovers. We’re sleeping partners.

CHAIM CLARKE: I’m in a hurry for work. I’m executive Director now. I have to be in before everyone else. Maybe I’ll see you at the ball.

ARNOLD: Maybe. Well, keep climbing that ladder.

CHAIM CLARKE: The St Orchid’s ball. You’ll be there, right? With your super-hot girlfriend, won’t you? The twentieth of next month?

ARNOLD: Sure

CHAIM CLARKE: See you round

Chaim walks off. Andrea stands beside Arnold.

ANDREA: He seemed nice.

ARNOLD: If you like rattlesnakes.

EXT. STREET OUTSIDE RESTAURANT - AFTERNOON

Arnold peers inside an Indian restaurant at an attractive young waitress.

ANDREA: Why are you staring at that woman

ARNOLD: I think she’s beautiful

ANDREA: Don’t you think that’s kind of creepy? Why don’t you just talk to her?

ARNOLD: Have you seen the prices they charge? Besides Indian isn’t really my thing?

ANDREA: Some men have put up with worse than that just to get talking to a girl.

ARNOLD: I’m late. I better go.

EXT. BENCH IN LOCAL PARK - AFTERNOON

Arnold approaches an elderly man with a cane in his hand sitting on a park bench. Arnold sits beside him.

MR STRASBOURG: 80’s, slim, white hair, casually dressed, six feet tall, kind and warm.

ARNOLD

Hello Mr Strasbourg

MR STRASBOURG: You are later than normal Arnold

ARNOLD: You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

Mr Strasbourg has a cane which he fidgets with while talking.

MR STRASBOURG: I do look forward to our little chats. My children remind me of vampires.

ARNOLD: I didn’t know you had children Mr Strasbourg

MR STRASBOURG: Please call me Charles. Having children Arnold is a side effect of meeting a beautiful woman. Not all children are bad but I’ve been dealt a weak hand.

ARNOLD: What about your wife?

MR STRASBOURG: Driven to an early grave

ARNOLD: I’m sorry to hear that.

MR STRASBOURG: If you won the lottery, Arnold, what would you do?

ARNOLD: I guess I’d keep some and give the rest to someone worthy or a charity. The problem with charities is that not all of them are genuine.

MR STRASBOURG: Quite right.

ARNOLD: Did you win the lottery Charles? 

MR STRASBOURG: No. I’m going out of this world the exact way I came into it. Penniless and alone.

ARNOLD: Charles, if you’re stuck for a few bob, I’m sure I can spare some.

INT. OFFICE OF MR PEABODY, RECEPTION - DAY

Andrea opens her eyes and finds that she is in a waiting area of a stuffy old office. Sitting beside her is a man with a gunshot wound to the head and an old lady. In front of her is a female receptionist.

RECEPTIONIST: Miss Fiddlestone, Mr Peabody will see you now.

ANDREA: I know an interior designer who could work wonders with this place.

RECEPTIONIST: Hmm

MR PEABODY’S OFFICE

Andrea enters Mr Peabody’s office. It is dusty, small and untidy.

MR PEABODY: Small, late 40’s, slightly overweight, small, dull, introverted, workaholic.

ANDREA: Mr Peabody...

Andrea sneezes.

MR PEABODY: Yes, Miss Fiddlestone, I know who you are. Frankly, I’m unimpressed by your CV. You’ll have to be assessed.

ANDREA: Assessed for what?

MR PEABODY: That is strictly on a need to know, basis.

ANDREA: What do you do here?

Mr Peabody stands up and gestures with his hand for Andrea to follow him. 

MR PEABODY: You’ll find out eventually... or not.

Andrea sneezes again.

He opens another door to reveal a massive filing room.

MR PEABODY'S FILING ROOM

MR PEABODY: You’ll have go through these files here and file them in the appropriate section.

ANDREA: How do I know...

MR PEABODY: For this task, Miss Fiddlestone all you need to know are the letters in the alphabet. It’s really, quite simple.

ANDREA: It sounds like hard work. I wouldn’t want to crack a nail.

MR PEABODY: I’ll be back to inspect your work. And for goodness’ sake, don’t be distracted by brochures. They are not what they appear.