Project Five (Rewrite): Part Four

INT. SECOND VAN PARKED OUTSIDE ARNOLDS APARTMENT - EVENING

Inside the second van are two men.

FAST EDDIE: 30’s, male, private detective, casually dressed, devious, efficient.

FAST EDDIE: Those morons in the first van don’t know we’re listening to them as well.

EDGAR: Nothing gets past us.

EXT. STREET NEAR ARNOLDS APARTMENT - NIGHT

Arnold is eighty metres from his apartment, when Andrea reappears. She is worried. 

ANDREA: Arnold the contract killer is waiting for you in his car just outside the apartment block. 

Arnold looks up. The contract killer climbs out of his car. The accountant turns around and strides in the opposite direction. Arnold reaches a corner and starts running.

At the end of the next street Arnold turns left. He opens the door to a derelict building. 

The killer’s distinctive footsteps slow down. 

Arnold makes his way into the kitchen. He hides behind the counter on the floor. His knees pressed against his chest. 

ANDREA: Arnold you can’t stay here. He will catch you.

The Serial Killer enters. He presses a light switch that fails to operate. The armed man produces a torch from his coat pocket. The gunman stands three yards in front of Arnold with his gun pointed straight at the accountant. 

ANDREA: Arnold, I think I can help you.

Andrea attempts to push over some kitchen items. A saltshaker topples over and falls on Arnold’s toe.

Andrea topples a large saucepan onto the serial killer’s neck and shoulder. 

Arnold lunges at the gunman and pushes the gun holding arm away. Arnold punches the murderer on the chin with his other hand. The murderer falls to the ground. 

ANDREA: End him Arnold

ARNOLD: No

ANDREA: It’s you or him.

Arnold kicks the gun away and runs. 

INT. ARNOLDS APARTMENT - NIGHT

Arnold enters his apartment. His flat mate Frederick Tasselwat smiles at him. 

FREDERICK: The police detective stopped by this morning. He asked me if I had noticed anything unusual about you the other day. I do remember your blood-stained clothes. 

ARNOLD: I told you about the tiger.

Frederick exercises with a one-kilogram dumbbell.

FREDERICK: Yeah well, I’m not buying it. I wasn’t aware of your dark side, Arnold. 

ARNOLD: You know me.

FREDERICK: I could go back to them. I could mention the number of times you threatened me. The possibilities are endless unless I get my fair cut.

Arnold lets out a sigh. 

FREDERICK: I want to live here rent free for as long as I like. I want to have free Coco Pops every morning and not Weetabix or Corn Flakes. You must buy proper coffee, not decaf. 

ARNOLD: I don’t have that kind of money to pay you with. I’m broke as it is.

Arnold opens the fridge. There is little or no food there.

FREDERICK: I’m not going to make any rash decisions. I do open your post after all. I know how much money is in your bank account. All I’m asking from you is every cent you can spare.

ARNOLD: I already explained to Legowski what happened.

FREDERICK: Did he believe you?

Arnold reaches for an apple, but Frederick gets there first.

ARNOLD: I don’t know. If you lose me as a co-tenant, Frederick your next flat mate might not be so soft.

FREDERICK: Maybe I was harsh. A few Benjamin Franklin’s here and there when I need it, wouldn’t go astray. I’m sure we can work things out.

Frederick eats from the apple. He then puts it in the bin.

FREDERICK: Who is your lady friend anyway?

ARNOLD: What lady?

Frederick resumes exercising with the dumbbell.

FREDERICK: I hear you on the phone sometimes in the evening talking to a lady. Are you afraid to share her with the Fredmeister?

ANDREA: Ugh, gross

ARNOLD: I guess it’s nothing. Some annoying woman who won’t leave me alone.

FREDERICK: Is she attractive?

ARNOLD: I guess so, but she’s more hassle than she’s worth.

FREDERICK: Well then you can give her my number. She sounds like she’s a walk in the park.

ARNOLD: Well she is a bit clingy. She might give you a headache.

FREDERICK: I’ll be the judge of that.

ARNOLD: Ok I’ll give her your number. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t call you. She has a thing for salespeople.

FREDERICK: Make sure you send her my photo. Then she will definitely be hooked. I have a super smart geeky look with glasses. She’ll definitely fall for that one.

Arnold goes to his room

ARNOLD’S ROOM

ANDREA: Don’t you hate him? Don’t you wish...

ARNOLD: How did you die Andrea?

ANDREA: In a nutshell? A woman asked me to save her baby from a burning house

ARNOLD: What? Did the baby kill you?

ANDREA: It was a hundred-pound mama’s boy. It wasn’t him that killed me. When its mother jumped down on top of us - that’s what did the trick.

ARNOLD: Well at least you did the right thing.

ANDREA: I was taken advantage of and it cost me my life. Your flatmate however is a real piece of work. There’s no point standing up to a guy like that Arnold

ARNOLD: And I thought Angels focused on the positive.

ANDREA: Some guys are like stepping stones. Other guys don’t give an inch, but you are a stepping stone Arnold and there is nothing you can do about it. 

ARNOLD: Yeah? Like what? Take it?

ANDREA: Why do your workmates hate you Arnold?

ARNOLD: Do we have all day?

ANDREA: There must be something.

ARNOLD: Maybe it’s because I eat all the cookies. I start with one and suddenly it’s thirty-seven.

ANDREA: If you don’t eat them, who will?

ARNOLD: I do try to cut back but those chocolate chips are so yummy and...

Andrea approaches a safety helmet on a bookcase and touches it. It falls but Arnold catches it.

ANDREA: What do you have a safety helmet for? Do you think it will protect you from cockroaches?

ARNOLD: It’s for the washing up. My mother is always worried about sink holes.

ANDREA: Is it in your bedroom in case you have nightmares?

ARNOLD: No. You’re right. It should be in the kitchen. I’m always forgetting it.

INT. ANDREA'S CONTROL ROOM IN HELL - DAY

Mr Barnacle enters the room. Andrea turns to face him.

MR BARNACLE: I’ve come to check on your progress

He sits on the counter next to the controls.

ANDREA: Progress is too kind a word.

MR BARNACLE: You haven’t broken him yet

ANDREA: I’ll get there.

MR BARNACLE: You know that if you can’t turn this guy, the least you can do is to prevent him being a positive influence on others.

ANDREA: I’ve been working on a few things. I was always good at nagging. 

MR BARNACLE: Now we’re talking

ANDREA: It’s time to crank the nagging index up to 110. After all, what would the world come to if everyone was a positive influence on each other?

INT. CLOTHES STORE - AFTERNOON

Andrea and Arnold go clothes shopping and enter a clothes store

ARNOLD: I don’t know about this.

ANDREA: Trust me Arnold. With all your deficiencies, you have got to stand out from the crowd.

ARNOLD: What deficiencies?

ANDREA: You’re so boring, your mother wears headphones when you talk to her.

ARNOLD: And I thought she had sensitive hearing.

Andrea shows Arnold a skimpy orange gym top.

ANDREA: How about this? This would look really good on you.

ARNOLD: Not only do I not like it, but I can’t really afford it.

ANDREA: I think we’ll hang on to this one.

Andrea draws Arnold’s attention to a pink jacket.

ANDREA: Oh, this jacket is simply to die for. This jacket will make you stand out from the crowd. 

ARNOLD: It might even get me killed.

ANDREA: Statistically, its far more dangerous to leave the oven on or the tap running. What's wrong with it? 

ARNOLD: It’s pink

ANDREA: Arnold this is the twenty-first century. Pink is so in. Don’t be so old fashioned and a fuddy duddy. 

ARNOLD: I simply think that I’m old enough to make my own choices.

ANDREA: And where have your own choices gotten you up to this point? You are going to end up lonely in your old age Arnold. Is that what you want? And look. It’s on sale.

ARNOLD: I wonder why?

EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY

Nesbitt Strasbourg drives a golf buggy accompanied by Fast Eddie, a private detective.

NESBITT STRASBOURG: Have you got any results for me yet?

FAST EDDIE: The guy tends to talk to himself a lot

NESBITT STRASBOURG: Excellent. A schizo. Anything else?

FAST EDDIE: In school, he didn’t hand two assignments in on time.

NESBITT STRASBOURG: Excellent, a slacker. Is there more?

FAST EDDIE: His bathroom is a mess

NESBITT STRASBOURG: Now we’re getting somewhere. A slob. Any ex girlfriends?

FAST EDDIE: He’s gone on a number of dates, through agencies.

The buggy reaches its destination, but Nesbitt drives the buggy in a circular direction around where his ball is located.

NESBITT STRASBOURG: A gigolo?

FAST EDDIE: Not quite. The guy’s a total loser. He’s been rejected by old grannies, obese women... You name it

NESBITT STRASBOURG: It gets better. 

The buggy comes to a stop.

NESBITT STRASBOURG: This is where you get out. Keep up the good work

INT. LOCAL SUPERMARKET - DAY

Arnold ambles into a shop. The Phantom Killer points gun at Arnold through his jacket pocket. The contract killer gestures for Arnold to leave the store

PHANTOM KILLER/ORMANDO: Move it

Arnold walks out of the store. Detective Legowski slouches down in an unmarked police car close by. 

Arnold knocks on the window of the police vehicle. Detective Legowski raises his hand to his head. 

Detective Legowski realises he has been spotted and rolls down the window.

ARNOLD: Detective Legowski, would you like to join us for lunch. Edson, here is buying. He’s very generous. We were thinking of having lunch in the Hilton, just up the street.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: His name isn’t Edson. It’s Ormando. He’s my next-door neighbour. We’ve known each other for years though we haven’t had many conversations.

ARNOLD: Well Legowski, there’s no better time than now and Ormando is paying for it after all.

Legowski climbs out of his car and the three men stride up the street in the direction of the Hilton hotel.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: How well do you two know each other?

ARNOLD: Ormando, would probably kill me if I told you.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Seriously. Off the record. How do you two know each other?

ARNOLD: Go ahead Ormando, you spill the beans.

Arnold slaps Ormando on the back

ORMANDO: It’s kind of a long story.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Humour me.

ORMANDO: I wouldn’t want to bore you.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Well, Ormy, the Hilton eh? You really know how to make a guy feel important. The world needs more guys like you.

INT. HILTON RESTAURANT - DAY

Arnold, Detective Legowski and Ormando sit down to some lunch in the dining area. 

ARNOLD: Thanks, Ormy, this fillet steak is perfect.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Yes, Ormy, I know I shouldn’t have ordered a glass of wine, but this Dom Perignon is irresistible. 

ORMANDO: It’s champagne.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Even better. The caviar is excellent too. I’ve never had it before. It’s not often I get to eat like James Bond. Thanks so much. 

ARNOLD: And the pheasant as a warmup.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: I know my wife has her doubts about you but I will give her my highest recommendation. I feel bad that you just ordered a toasted special and a glass of water.

ARNOLD: Ormy, is a man of few words, Detective.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Palmer here is a prime suspect in a number of murders. I feel it’s like I’m Al Pacino and he’s Robert De Niro and I’m going I’m going to take you down. 

ARNOLD: Doesn’t Ormy here fit the description I gave you of the contract killer. What’s that big bulge in his jacket? 

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Can you just stop with the innuendo? Ormy, here bought lunch. I’m an excellent judge of character. I have a super sense for criminality. 

In the background, two masked men hold up the cashier.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: I see things before everyone else sees them. Nothing gets past me.

ARNOLD: Aren’t you looking around for other suspects?

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Palmer here is slippery as hell. He even lost Super Sticky Pete at Cosmo’s candy store. They have the most delicious treats in town. 

Chaim strides over to the table.

CHAIM CLARKE: Hi Arnold. I didn’t know you dined here.

ARNOLD: Me? On my salary? No Ormando here volunteered to give both of us a day out.

CHAIM CLARKE: And what line of work are you all in?

ARNOLD: Ormando here is into Contract Killing, I mean Cleaning. 

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Detective Inspector Legowski at your service.

CHAIM CLARKE: A cop.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: I’m no ordinary cop. I have a long and distinguished career.

ARNOLD: Time is money unfortunately. I’ll leave you two chums to catch up on old times. Thanks again, Ormy, and don’t forget to leave a fat tip.

Arnold leaves.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: I could recount stories of how I won the purple star.

CHAIM CLARKE: Don’t you mean the purple heart?

INT. ARNOLDS WORKPLACE, MR KRONAUER’S OFFICE - MORNING

Arnold sits in front of Mr Kronauer

ARNOLD: You wanted to see me sir?

MR KRONAUER: There’s nothing in life that can’t be traced back to fishing. Sometimes you get a big catch, sometimes you get a little catch. Its not the size of the catch that matters. Its all about taking it all in.

Mr Kronauer stands up from his desk and stands behind Arnold.

ARNOLD: What are you trying to say Mr Kronauer?

MR KRONAUER: Arnold, you may have heard that the company isn’t making as much profits as they used to. There’s been a two percent downturn.

Mr Kronauer adjusts Arnold’s collar.

ARNOLD: And what has that to do with fishing?

Mr Kronauer sits back down.

MR KRONAUER: Arnold you’re my fourth best salesman and the people above are forcing me to let you go. 

ARNOLD: Well, I’m not the most popular employee in the world.

MR KRONAUER: Not from where I’m standing. You’re a good guy Arnold. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. Something will turn up for you. I know it will. I’ll write you a cracking reference.

ARNOLD: Thank you, Mr Kronauer. I guess it’s just the way life is.

MR KRONAUER: I knew you’d be a stand up guy. The last one wanted to tear my desk apart.