Project Five (Rewrite) Part One

OVER BLACK

MOYEN STRASBOURG (V.O.): I’m not putting up with this

NESBITT STRASBOURG (V.O.): With what?

MOYEN STRASBOURG (V.O.): No upstart is getting between me and what is rightfully mine.

NESBITT STRASBOURG (V.O.): I really don’t know what you’re talking about.

MOYEN STRASBOURG (V.O.): If I have to chew nails in my mouth I will see to it that Arnold Palmer does not get his hands on what is rightfully mine.

NESBITT STRASBOURG (V.O.): Who is Arnold Palmer?

EXT. DUMPSTER NEAR APARTMENT BUILDING IN CITY - MORNING

ARNOLD: 20’s, male, dark hair, average height and build, timid, pushover.

Arnold awakes on the flat of his back, in a dumpster half filled with rubbish. A sleeping homeless man has one arm around him. Arnold removes the arm - climbs out of the dumpster - ascends the fire escape. He climbs into a bedroom window.

INT. ARNOLDS APARTMENT, ARNOLDS BEDROOM - MORNING

TWO WOMEN occupy a bed. Arnold walks toward the bathroom

WOMAN IN BED 1: Thanks for the bed, Alexander

ARNOLD: It’s Arnold

WOMAN IN BED 1: What is that smell?

Bathroom

Arnold looks in the mirror. His hair is a mess - dark lines underneath his eyes - a banana skin in his hair. He removes the banana skin.

INT. ARNOLDS APARTMENT, KITCHEN - MORNING

Arnold enters the kitchen - empties the contents of his Corn Flakes box. Empty except for a dozen IOUs.

Arnold reads from a notebook placed on the table. 

“Sorry about the Cornflakes box. I was extra hungry today. I’ll have to return the favour someday. PTO.” 

Arnold turns over the page of the notebook: 

“I’m in a tight spot as far as rent goes. You know how it is. Would you mind covering my share of the rent again? Thanks, Frederick.”

Arnold pours the milk left in the milk carton into his breakfast bowl. He spoons it into his mouth.

INT. ARNOLDS APARTMENT BUILDING HALLWAY - MORNING

Arnold greets his neighbour, MRS PINKELMAN in the hallway

MRS PINKELMAN: 82 years old, white hair, frail and thin, short, cantankerous.

ARNOLD: Good Morning Mrs Pinkelman

(in an upbeat manner)

She raises her fist.

Mrs Pinkelman: You want a piece of this?

EXT. OUTSIDE ARNOLD’S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING

Arnold steps out onto the street. The rain starts pouring down. Arnold has no umbrella. He runs to the subway.

INT. DELICATESSEN - MORNING

Arnold queues in a delicatessen. Arnold is greeted by a new female employee, with the name tag GRETA.

GRETA - early thirties, five foot three inches tall, tightly cropped dark hair, looks like she smokes forty cigarettes a day.

GRETA: Ok sunshine, what’ll it be?

ARNOLD: Can I have a BLT please?

Greta slices open a baguette - fills it with mayonnaise, bacon, lettuce and tomato. 

GRETA: Would you like ketchup with that?

She doesn’t wait for a response. She adds a large amount of ketchup.

GRETA: And chocolate?

She sprinkles the sandwich with chocolate.

Greta hands the sandwich to the cashier. 

CASHIER: That’ll be fourteen Dollars

ARNOLD: It’s normally ten

CASHIER: Yeah well, chocolate and ketchup don’t come free.

INT. ARNOLDS WORKPLACE -MORNING

Arnold plods into an open plan office with seven other employees. 

ARNOLD: Good morning.

Each of them responds to his greeting with varying levels of despondency. Arnold sits down at his desk and starts working.

AGATHA: 28 years old, female, very thin, dark hair, brown eyes, temperamental.

A co-worker, AGATHA approaches him quietly from behind. She proceeds to pour flour onto his head followed by some water. She then works her fingers through his head. Arnold doesn’t protest.

MR KRONAUER approaches Arnold’s desk.

MR KRONAUER: Arnold’s boss, 40’s, male, average height, dark hair, blue eyes, slim, friendly.

MR KRONAUER: Palmer, my man

ARNOLD: Yes Mr Kronauer?

MR KRONAUER: It’s time for a talk

Arnold follows Mr Kronauer into his office. His co-workers pelt him with paper balls.

INT. MR KRONAUER’S OFFICE - MORNING

Behind Mr Kronauer is a bookcase, packed with books. There are numerous archive boxes on the floor and his desk has scattered files and documents.

MR KRONAUER: To be fair, I’m a bit worried about you Arnold. You’ve been here four or five years and you work hard but something is not quite right.

Mr Kronauer takes a long look at Arnold who still has some flour and water in his hair. He stands up and moves out from behind his desk. He stands behind Arnold and straightens his collar

MR KRONAUER: You’re a good employee Arnold but you really ought to fix your collar over that tie

Mr Kronauer sits down again.

MR KRONAUER: That’s better. Is there anything you want to get off your chest Arnold?

ARNOLD: Well sir. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m well-liked by the rest of the staff.

MR KRONAUER: Poppycock! Everyone loves you. They all have good things to say about you. Why Johnson always raves about you.

ARNOLD: Johnson left over a year ago sir.

MR KRONAUER: Yes, well there is Huttlechip

ARNOLD: Douglas Huttlechip hardly has a harsh word to say about anyone. He’s timid and hardly talks. He hardly counts.

MR KRONAUER: Point proven. Of course he counts. Everyone counts.

ARNOLD: Apart from Douglas, I feel let down.

MR KRONAUER: What about Florentina?

Mr Kronauer folds a piece of paper into a paper plane.

ARNOLD: She set fire to my car. She hardly counts.

MR KRONAUER: How are you so sure it was her?

ARNOLD: She was caught on CCTV. She even performed cartwheels afterwards

Mr Kronauer throws the aeroplane to his left.

MR KRONAUER: I think you’re missing the point, Arnold. Everyone in this office loves you. If you want me to haul them all in here I will. Do you want me to do that?

ARNOLD: No sir

MR KRONAUER: Arnold, have I ever told you that I enjoy fishing?

ARNOLD: Yes sir. Many times.

MR KRONAUER: Arnold, everything in life is like fishing. I enjoy the fresh air, the scenery and nature all around.

Sometimes you wait five minutes, sometimes hours for a fish to bite. Sometimes they come in clusters. Do you see my point Arnold?

Arnold doesn’t follow

MR KRONAUER: There are plenty of fish Arnold, sometimes you just have to ride the storm. Now get back there and earn your dough.

ARNOLD: Yes sir

INT. JACOBI’S RESTAURANT - EVENING

Arnold is seated at a table alone. 

WAITER: Would you like to order sir?

Arnold glances at his wristwatch. It is 8:30pm. BERTHA strides over to Arnold’s table.

BERTHA: 50 years old, thirty pounds overweight, short curly hair 

BERTHA: I’m not sure if this is the right table. Are you Arnold Theodophilus Palmer?

ARNOLD: Yes I am and you must be Bertha

Bertha sits down and begins playing with her phone.

BERTHA: Well, I have to say that I’m a little disappointed. I was expecting someone better looking and with a perfect physique. You’re no James Bond.

ARNOLD: I’m sorry to disappoint you.

BERTHA: Well, you should be. At least tell me a few jokes and make me laugh. I do like a good comedian. 

ARNOLD: I don’t know any jokes (timidly)

Bertha continues playing with her phone.

BERTHA: Can you perform a handstand?

ARNOLD: No

BERTHA: Do you know any card tricks?

ARNOLD: No

BERTHA: Can you at least hop on one leg?

ARNOLD: Well, I can try

BERTHA: Oh my god, you’re completely dull as well.

WAITER: Would you like to order madame?

ARNOLD: Oh, I don’t think she’s had enough time to read

BERTHA: You go ahead and order first, Alexander.

Bertha continues playing on her phone. 

WAITER: Sir, would you like to order?

ARNOLD: Yes. Can I have the prawns to start with, and the Carbonara?

WAITER: Madame?

BERTHA: Don’t mind me. I’ve found a new date and he’s a total studmuffin. No offence but I’ve got better things to be doing. 

Bertha leaves. 

WAITER: Sir, do you plan on staying?

ARNOLD: Yes I’ll stay

WAITER: Would you like to order some wine? I could recommend the Dom Perignon. It’s only $2,500 a bottle. You won’t get a better price anywhere in the city. 

ARNOLD: No, I think I’ll pass

ANDREA FIDDLESTONE, sits down in the recently vacated chair opposite Arnold. Her hair is wet and she’s breathing heavily

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: Dark hair, average height, slim, attractive, shallow, selfish but charming.

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: Don’t tell me you were going to order without me.

Arnold is momentarily stunned. The attractive woman smiles at him.

ARNOLD: What would you like?

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: I’ll have the same as what this lovely gentleman is having and a bottle of your finest Dom Perignon. I hear it’s incredible. 

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: So Arthur, tell me about yourself

ARNOLD: It’s Arnold

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: I was close. Come on, dish the beans.

ARNOLD: You really don’t want to hear my life story. You’ll be asleep in no time.

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: Try me.

ARNOLD: About the only exciting thing I can do is hop on one leg.

ANDREA: Not everyone can do that.

ARNOLD: When I was ten years old, I won a story competition. Of course there were three of us and we all got first place.

ANDREA: What was it about?

ARNOLD: My grandparents robbing the Bank of England so they could afford to buy me cookies.

ANDREA: Well, at least they have their priorities right.

ARNOLD: So, tell me about you.

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: Well, my name is Fallulah. I’m a receptionist for a very successful oil company. I never went to college, but I do like numbers, especially if there’s six zeros behind them. I was originally from Albuquerque, Arizona. 

ARNOLD: Isn’t Albuquerque in New Mexico?

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: Well, some of it isn’t. Anyway, I don’t have much luck with men. I’ve had a lot of failed relationships until you came along. 

ARNOLD: You couldn’t have a worse track record than me.

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: One guy tried to chuck the tv at me. A bit of a waste of an eighty inch, high definition screen. 

ARNOLD: At least he missed.

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: Yeah, but the final straw was when he tried to throw my designer handbag out the window.

ARNOLD: At least he failed.

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: Another guy was so vain, he was afraid to leave the house if he had a zit. We had to fight over my hairdryer and my moisturiser. He always told me how beautiful he looked. I just couldn’t compete with that. 

ARNOLD: I don’t even have a hairbrush.

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: I can tell, we’re going to get along.

Arnold closes his eyes and opens them again. He pinches himself. Andrea looks at him with a warm smile on her face. 

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: What are you doing?

ARNOLD: I’m just wondering if I am dreaming.

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: So, after we’re finished here, what do you say we go back to your place, and you can show me your extensive music collection?

ARNOLD: Why not?

EXT. THE CITY, BAKER STREET - NIGHT

Walking down the street, Fallulah grabs Arnold’s hand and holds onto it. 

Two strong men (MOBSTER NO 1 and MOBSTER NO 2) approach from behind Arnold. One of them clocks Arnold over the head with the butt of his gun. 

MOBSTER NO 1: Late 20’s, male, strongly built, taller than average, well dressed.

MOBSTER NO 2: 30’s, male, tall, strong, well dressed.

MOBSTER NO 1: Get over there

He pushes Arnold down an alleyway

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: Leave him alone

MOBSTER NO 2: Did he harm you?

FALLULAH/ANDREA FIDDLESTONE: No, he didn’t

MOBSTER NO 2: Do you know who this is?

Arnold trembles.

This is Mr Big’s girlfriend. Do you know who Mr Big is and what he would do to you if he found out you were playing around with his girlfriend?” 

Fallulah runs away.

MOBSTER NO 2: Don’t worry, she won’t get far

The mobster aims his gun at Arnold

The SOUND OF GUNSHOTS ring out - the two mobsters fall to the ground. Arnold looks up to see a gunman, seven yards away. 

PHANTOM CONTRACT KILLER/ORMANDO KNOWLES: Male, 50’s, Wears a hat, double concave glasses and a trench coat, five foot ten inches tall, brown trousers and heavy black shoes.

The PHANTOM KILLER points the gun at Arnold. It jams. The killer runs away. His shoes make a loud clacking noise

Arnold climbs to his feet - looks around him. He cannot see any sign of Fallulah. His clothes have bloodstains on them

INT. ARNOLDS APARTMENT MAIN LIVING AREA - NIGHT

Arnold enters his apartment. His flatmate, Frederick watches television - eating popcorn.

Frederick - 28 years old, very thin, five foot six inches, dark hair with a thin moustache. Self-obsessed, a sponger.

FREDERICK: Where have you been Arnold?

ARNOLD: I was out. Why?

FREDERICK: I’m starving. You don’t even have any cereal left. I even roasted your popcorn. What else am I supposed to eat? 

ARNOLD: You could go out and buy yourself something.

FREDERICK: You know, I’m broke. I spend all my money on drink and women. There’s nothing left over for me. 

ARNOLD: I’ll pick up something in the morning.

FREDERICK: I saw on Facebook some woman referred to you as a massive disappointment. Don’t worry. There are plenty more fish in the sea.

ARNOLD: To be honest, I’m tired and I’d really like to...

FREDERICK: If you go get some food now, I’ll give you a few tips straight from the ultimate guru. 

He pauses

Your clothes look like they’ve seen better days. What happened?

ARNOLD: I got into a fight with a Tiger. The Tiger lost. 

FREDERICK: It must have been one of them baby Tigers. Wait till it’s Mother hears about it. So, are you getting food or not?

ARNOLD: No. I’ve just eaten and I’m broke.

FREDERICK: You only got paid a few days ago. You couldn’t be broke. Look, I’ll put a good word for you with Abigail.

ARNOLD: I think I’d better get cleaned up and catch some rest