Project Five (Rewrite): Part Six
EXT. STREET NEAR ARNOLDS APARTMENT - EVENING
Arnold ambles down the street. Walking in the opposite direction is Mindy’s boyfriend. He doesn’t look happy.
MINDY’S BOYFRIEND
I’m going to get you. I’m going to kill you.
Arnold turns and runs. Andrea runs beside him.
ANDREA
Arnold, wouldn’t you want to be anyone else in the world right now? Don’t you think that everyone else has it better than you?
ARNOLD
Well, I wouldn’t like to be a kid in a war torn country or a man without a limb.
ANDREA
Don’t you think that you are running the risk of losing more than one limb right now?
ARNOLD
Well, even you can outrun him.
Arnold glances behind. Mindy’s boyfriend is struggling for breath, thirty yards behind them.
Arnold and Andrea round a corner. They slow down to walking pace.
ANDREA
What about Chaim? Wouldn’t you rather be rich like him, with a beautiful wife and a beautiful house?
ARNOLD
He may have everything he wants in life but underneath, he’s miserable.
ANDREA
Isn’t there anyone you would rather be?
ARNOLD
I wouldn’t mind being invisible so that I don’t have to run from that behemoth every day.
ANDREA
Nobody can be invisible Arnold
ARNOLD
Exactly. Now, I better keep moving.
An angry Herb and a second man with a shaved head and tattoos come around the corner to face Arnold. Arnold runs across the street.
EXT. LARGE PUBLIC PARK - MORNING
Nesbitt Strasbourg and Fast Eddie sit at opposite ends of a park bench. Both reading newspapers to conceal their faces.
NESBITT STRASBOURG
Why couldn’t this wait?
FAST EDDIE
A man was found dead near Palmer’s apartment.
NESBITT STRASBOURG
I can see the headline now. Future Billionaire, wanted for murder.
FAST EDDIE
The dead man may have been trying to kill him.
NESBITT STRASBOURG
Don’t bother me with the tiny details.
A woman sits down beside them to have a rest and admire the view. Nesbitt lets out a LOUD FART and the lady walks away.
NESBITT STRASBOURG
This bit of news could be very good for me. What’s good for me is good for you. Make it stick.
FAST EDDIE
Yes sir.
INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - DAY
Arnold serves customers from behind the counter at a fast food restaurant. Chaim enters.
CHAIM CLARKE
Arnold, fancy meeting you here. Is this a career change?
ARNOLD
I’m sorry Chaim. No chit chat. The boss likes to live up to our fast reputation.
CHAIM CLARKE
Of course. I’ll have the Big Burger meal with extra cheese and a cola.
Chaim hands over ten bucks and Arnold hands him back some change.
CHAIM CLARKE
You still going to the Orchid’s ball?
ARNOLD
Sure. Why not?
Arnold hands Chaim his tray of food. Chaim offers Arnold one dollar.
CHAIM CLARKE
And your tip.
ARNOLD
Thank you, I’m sure the children in Africa will be grateful for your generous donation.
INT. LOCAL HOTEL, FUNCTION ROOM - NIGHT
Arnold and Andrea stand at the bar in a function room. Six other people of two women and four men are grouped together.
ARNOLD
I really hoped some people would come. I don’t even know these people.
ANDREA
I know. It’s depressing. Isn’t it?
ARNOLD
My only friend is a ghost with a suspect moral compass
ANDREA
On the bright side, the free bar won’t exactly break the bank.
A dozen rowdy men with beer in their hands enter the function room
ROWDY GUEST ONE
We heard that some sucker in here was paying for drink all night.
The men approach the bar.
A female guest, EDITH approaches Arnold.
EDITH: Female, 30’s, blonde beehive hairstyle, shorter than average, slim.
EDITH
You must be Nicholas
ARNOLD
Arnold
EDITH
I never was much good with names. My name is Edith.
ARNOLD
And how do you know me?
EDITH
My Uncle was friends with a work colleague called Huttlechip.
ARNOLD
I really thought Huttlechip would make it.
EDITH
He tried but apparently the dog ate his dinner. Can you believe that?
Edith laughs an unusual laugh, as if she is hiccupping at the same time.
ANDREA
This is what you get for being a goody two shoes. Good is so overrated. If you were colder and nastier, women would respect you.
ARNOLD
Sorry, I can’t hear you over the laughter.
Edith’s demeanour turns unpleasant
EDITH
Are you mocking me, Palmer?
ARNOLD
No. I would never laugh at a woman?
EDITH
Oh. So I’m a woman now? Just an unimportant woman. Are women supposed to be looked down on? Is that how you view us?
ARNOLD
No I think you’re very important.
EDITH
Nobody likes a kiss ass. Without a woman to bring you into this world, you would be nothing.
ARNOLD
I was just...
EDITH
You were just being yourself, weren’t you. Just being a man. A condescending arrogant man.
ARNOLD
Well, I did vote for a woman in the last election.
EDITH
Was she attractive?
ARNOLD
Well...
EDITH
Oh my god. You sexist pig.
ARNOLD
I think I better be going. Arnold puts down the drink
EDITH
Yes, with your tail between your legs.
ROWDY GUEST ONE
You can’t leave Palmer. You’ve got to pick up the tab. Sucker.
ARNOLD
What am I going to do for the next hour?
ROWDY GUEST ONE
Don’t worry, the barman says they’ve agreed to extend their opening hours.
ARNOLD
He told me there was a midnight curfew.
ROWDY GUEST ONE
Yes, until we agreed you would pay him an extra five hundred bucks.
We’ve invited a few more of our mates. They’ll be here in a jiffy.
EXT. BENCH IN LOCAL PARK - LUNCHTIME
Mr Strasbourg is seated on the park bench when Arnold approaches with his lunch in hand.
MR STRASBOURG
Arnold, have I ever told you that I look forward to our little chats
ARNOLD
Mr Strasbourg, most people dislike me, for whatever reason. This is the highlight of my day
MR STRASBOURG
I may not be long for this world
ARNOLD
I hope there is nothing wrong Mr Strasbourg
MR STRASBOURG
I have months if not weeks to live according to the doctors.
ARNOLD
I’m sorry to hear that. Life won’t be the same without you.
MR STRASBOURG
I’ve found Arnold that there are very few people I can trust in this world. My children are like vultures. Lawyers, accountants, it’s hard to find ones that don’t look for every penny. You, though, I think I can trust you.
CUT TO:
INT. REAR OF SECOND VAN (STATIONARY) - LUNCH TIME
FAST EDDIE
Trust, eh? I think we’ve hit the jackpot.
CUT TO:
BENCH IN LOCAL PARK
ARNOLD
Wouldn’t you like to see the world Mr Strasbourg. Isn’t there something you’d like to do before you die?
MR STRASBOURG
Me? At my age?
ARNOLD
I can spot you a few quid Charles, if you really need it.
MR STRASBOURG
Oh, I think I’ll get by.
Mr Strasbourg’s phone rings and he looks at it.
MR STRASBOURG
Sorry, Arnold. Must dash.
Mr Strasbourg has his phone to his ear as he walks away.
Nesbitt Strasbourg wears a cast on his leg. He inches his way towards Arnold on crutches. Nesbitt sports a long beard and well-worn clothes.
He sits beside Arnold.
NESBITT STRASBOURG
Why thank you, young man
ARNOLD
I didn’t do anything
NESBITT STRASBOURG
Your presence alone counts for a lot. Ever since the war, I’ve had to make do with a wooden leg.
ARNOLD
If it’s wooden, why is it in a cast?
NESBITT STRASBOURG
I’m sure there’s a very good reason for that. When you get a cast, people can write on it whatever they want. As surely as my name is Bluebeard Sawgrass I prefer it that way.
ARNOLD
I don’t doubt you Mr Sawgrass.
NESBITT STRASBOURG
For the last twenty years I haven’t had a penny to my name. This morning, I had cardboard for breakfast. When I get home, I’ll eat the last few sprinkles of sawdust that remain.
ARNOLD
I’m sorry to hear that Mr Sawgrass
NESBITT STRASBOURG
There is a charity that normally helps out in situations like these. They’re called the Man with One Leg Charity, but they’ve run out of funds. I don’t know what I’ll do when I run out of sawdust.
ARNOLD
I wish there was something I could do, but I only have ten dollars left in my wallet. Instead of getting the subway home, I could walk home
Arnold reaches into his wallet and offers ten bucks.
NESBITT STRASBOURG
Oh, I couldn’t possibly. What could I do with ten bucks?
ARNOLD
I know it’s not much but there must be something you can do.
NESBITT STRASBOURG
I could buy an apple and give the change to the Little Orphans Society. Thank you, young man
Nesbitt Strasbourg takes the money.
ARNOLD
It’s people like you Mr Bluebeard who make my heart feel warm and who make me think that there is something to live for.
Nesbitt hands over a piece of paper to Arnold
NESBITT STRASBOURG
Here are the bank details of the charity I mentioned. One day when you come into money, I hope that you will find it in your heart to think of people like me and the orphans.
INT. LUXURY SPA IN HELL - NIGHT
Andrea and Lorazar receive massages side by side.
ANDREA
Aren’t you going to apologise?
LORAZAR
For what? Being honest?
ANDREA
There’s something different about you. I’ll be damned if I know what it is.
LORAZAR
Maybe it’s because I’m not one of you. And what are you in here for? Did you spill someone’s tea?
ANDREA
Generally, not being good at anything except being bad.
LORAZAR
I’m what they call an underlord. I can go anywhere I please, but I’m always haunted by my past.
ANDREA
You’ve made the right choice. Upstairs was so boring.
LORAZAR
I’ve never been upstairs.
ANDREA
Yeah well at least here I can do what I want.
LORAZAR
Do you like your work?
ANDREA
I guess so.
LORAZAR
I was like you once.
ANDREA
What do you mean?
LORAZAR
When I came here they said that this place was paradise.
ANDREA
Isn’t it?
LORAZAR
If it’s paradise, why do I feel so hollow inside?
INT. STRASBOURG RESIDENCE, DINING ROOM - MORNING
Nesbitt Strasbourg saunters into Charles Strasbourg’s dining room with a paper in hand.
CHARLES STRASBOURG
To what do I owe the pleasure?
NESBITT STRASBOURG
Come now Charles. There’s no need to get off on the wrong foot.
CHARLES STRASBOURG
You’re right. We are family after all and nobody should give up on their own family no matter how much their children try to disappoint them.
NESBITT STRASBOURG
Have you seen the paper?
Nesbitt hands Charles the paper.
NESBITT STRASBOURG
Moyen was telling me that you know the guy on page 4
CHARLES STRASBOURG
I didn’t even know yourself and Moyen talked. That’s a positive development
Charles opens the paper on page 4 and starts reading.
NESBITT STRASBOURG
I didn’t know you associated with those types Charles.
CHARLES STRASBOURG
Says here, Arnold, has links to organised crime, is a murder suspect and is mentally unstable. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought that he was a danger to society.
NESBITT STRASBOURG
What do you mean “know any better”. The guy’s a low life.
CHARLES STRASBOURG
It says that the article was written by Steve Shady, the same guy that wrote an article on your ex-wife, the same guy that helped you win the Johansson project by printing an article about your rivals, the Jones brothers.
NESBITT STRASBOURG
Coincidences do happen Charles. He’s obviously a top-level journalist.
CHARLES STRASBOURG
Really Nesbitt? You could have at least used a different hack.
NESBITT STRASBOURG
How dare you imply that I have...
CHARLES STRASBOURG
Don’t worry Nesbitt. I know you better than that.
INT. STREET NEAR ARNOLDS WORKPLACE - EVENING
Arnold is walking home from work when DEVINDA drops some papers. Both Arnold and Devinda bend down to pick
them up.
The papers read: Think of those who suffer the most from Climate Change. You can make a difference. Call 555-824524
DEVINDA: 32, female, average looking, slim, average height, assassin.
ARNOLD
Do you donate?
DEVINDA
Oh, I used to work for a charity when I was in college. Helping the needy. Feeding the poor. Now I just work pro bono as a lawyer.
ARNOLD
I’m sorry if I damaged them.
DEVINDA
Most men in this town wouldn’t bend down. I’m a good judge of character. I think you’re wonderful.
ARNOLD
You don’t even know me.
DEVINDA
I’ve seen you before. You just didn’t notice me.
ARNOLD
I’d bet there are no skeletons in your closet.
ANDREA
No. They’re all six feet under.
DEVINDA
I’m sorry. I’m running late. Pro bono work never ends.
ARNOLD
Would you like to meet for a coffee some time?
DEVINDA
I’m free at eight. Casparos?
ARNOLD
Casparos it is.
Devinda walks away.
ANDREA
Don’t you think it’s a little convenient? She ticks all your boxes.
ARNOLD
I think my luck is starting to turn.