Project 5 (Rewrite): Part Seven

INT. CASPARO’S COFFEE HOUSE - EVENING

Devinda and Arnold are seated at a booth.

ARNOLD: So, tell me, how do you survive doing pro bono work?

DEVINDA: You know, I could tell you every little detail about my life but then I’d have to kill you.

ARNOLD: Sorry for prying. I’m just glad for this opportunity. It’s not often I get to spend time with a beautiful woman with a kind heart and wicked sense of humour.

DEVINDA: My Dad is like a turnip farmer. He has like ten thousand acres at his farm in Botswana. When you eat turnips every day it gives you a unique perspective on life.

ARNOLD: All I did, every day was to try to make sales. I had the worst record in the company. Now I work in Fast Food.

DEVINDA: Don’t put yourself down. A lack of confidence is a real killer. I think you have the material to be good at anything.

ARNOLD: I feel like we’re really connecting. I’ve never felt that way about a woman before.

DEVINDA: I do have that effect on men. I squeeze every last drop out of them.

ARNOLD: I just have to take a break.

DEVINDA: Don’t be long darling.

Arnold leaves in the direction of the toilet

Devinda pours a sachet of powder into Arnolds coffee

Frederick sits down opposite Devinda

FREDERICK: So you’re the one he’s been hiding on me. I didn’t think he had it in him.

DEVINDA: Can you please leave?

FREDERICK: Everyone loves the Fredmeister

She kicks him

FREDERICK: So you like to play dirty.

DEVINDA: I’m going to powder my nose. If you’re not gone when I come back, I’ll break that nose of yours.

Devinda walks away

FREDERICK: Sexy

Frederick picks up the drink. He realises it is not his favourite and swaps it with Devinda’s drink.

Devinda returns to the booth with a security guard

SECURITY GUARD: I’m afraid sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

FREDERICK: Playing hard to get eh?

The security guard pulls him from his seat and towards the exit.

Arnold returns to the booth.

ARNOLD: Where were we?

DEVINDA: You were about to show me your bulging muscles.

ARNOLD: Some things are better left to the imagination.

Arnold sips the coffee. He spits it out.

ARNOLD: Honey, I think they got our orders mixed up.

DEVINDA: No, they didn’t

Devinda realises that she has drunk the coffee with the poison. She feels unwell and falls over. Arnold checks her and sees that she is not showing signs of life. He rushes to the manager.

The manager approaches the booth. 

COFFEE HOUSE MANAGER: 40’s, male, overweight, shallow.

COFFEE HOUSE MANAGER: We better get her out of here. We don’t want to alarm the other customers.

ARNOLD: Shouldn’t we call an ambulance?

COFFEE HOUSE MANAGER: Could you help me escort her?

Arnold and the manager grab an arm each 

The manager turns to the security guard

COFFEE HOUSE MANAGER: Can’t you help?

SECURITY GUARD: Disposing of a dead body isn’t in my job description.

EXT. CASPARO'S COFFEE HOUSE - EVENING

Once outside, the manager dumps her onto a bench.

COFFEE HOUSE MANAGER: Don’t worry, the coffee is on the house.

ARNOLD: I thought she was the one.

COFFEE HOUSE MANAGER: I know how you feel. I just lost a valued customer.

ARNOLD: You can’t just leave her there.

COFFEE HOUSE MANAGER: Not every date ends like this Bud. Not at Casparo’s anyway. Don’t forget to fill out the report card.

The coffee house manager leaves. Arnold sits down beside Devinda. SIRENS can be heard approaching.

ARNOLD: I feel like the only way a woman falls head over heels for me is if she’s allergic to coffee.

Detective Legowski approaches.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Is there something going on here Palmer?

ARNOLD: Some girl, just had one too many.

Mindy’s boyfriend sees Arnold and runs towards him.

Arnold turns and runs away. Legowski remains at the scene.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: I’ve got you now Palmer.

EXT. CASPARO'S COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT

Devinda’s body is loaded into an ambulance. An FBI agent approaches Detective Legowski.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: This is my collar. I’m going to go down in history. Palmer did it. I saw it with my own eyes.

AGENT SCOTT MAVERICK: What you’ve got here is Margerita Testadeli. She occupies three of the top ten places in FBI’s most wanted. She’s a master of disguise.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: I know what I’m doing. I’m not going to let an FBI punk kid tell me who’s a danger to society and who’s not. 

AGENT SCOTT MAVERICK: Detective Legowski, please step aside and let real detectives handle this case.

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Agent Maverick, I am more than twenty years in the field. I have brought down the Pirate of Doom and the Scarlet Slayer...

AGENT SCOTT MAVERICK: Were they both graffiti artists?

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: That’s beside the point Captain.

AGENT SCOTT MAVERICK: Do you also take credit for taking down Jack the Ripper?

DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: I did go incognito as a hooker, once but no one approached me. I’ve done things in my time that nobody else has. I have a bust record a mile long. Dick Tracy has nothing on me.

INT. MOYEN STASBOURG'S RESIDENCE (OFFICE) - MORNING

Sylvia, Channon and Ari enter Moyen Strasbourg’s office. She sits behind her desk, with a pen between her two hands.

MOYEN STASBOURG: I’ve heard the news. I should have you lined up against the wall and shot for incompetence.

CHANNON: We’ve lost some very bad men. And a woman.

MOYEN STASBOURG: I hope you have an alternative that doesn’t cost an arm and two legs.

CHANNON: Palmer is just a man with a lot of luck Ms Strasbourg. His luck is bound to run out. Besides I have a plan that cannot fail.

INT. ARNOLDS APARTMENT - NIGHT

BEDROOM

A henchman of Mr Big shakes Arnold in his bed. He wakes up.

MR BIG’S HENCHMAN: Get dressed, Mr Big wants to see you.

INT. MR BIG’S CAR (MOVING) - NIGHT

Andrea perches on a henchman’s lap in the back seat with Arnold and Lorazar in the middle and a second henchman on the other side. Small Time Freddie and a driver sit in the front of the car.

ANDREA: Arnold, this is Lorazar. He got rejected by hell for not being bad enough

ARNOLD: So, he has great references.

ANDREA: Lorazar can set things on fire. He has an addiction to watching things burn. He can help you.

ARNOLD: Right now, I don’t think setting the car on fire is a good idea because we’re locked in. Besides it’s not a life-or-death situation just yet.

LORAZAR: What about a teeny fireball?

Small time Freddie takes a phone call.

ARNOLD: No. Not a good idea.

ANDREA: Isn’t he hot?

ARNOLD: In a manner of speaking

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Yeah... yeah... yeah...

Small Time Freddie hangs up and turns to Arnold.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Mr Big is otherwise disposed. He makes a big contribution to the community, so his time is scarce.

ARNOLD: I’m sorry to hear that. I was looking forward to meeting him.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Mr Big would like to know what you were discussing with yourself in the back of the car just now.

MR BIG’S HENCHMAN: He was thinking of burning the car down.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: (chuckling): The guy’s a regular comedian

All of Mr Big’s employees laugh. Arnold remains nervous.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Mr Big is going to love this one. 

ARNOLD: Can’t you just keep it among yourselves?

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: (chuckling): Can you believe this guy?

Small Time Freddie regains his composure.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Mr Big would like to know how close you were to his girlfriend.

ARNOLD: Not close at all. More like a kid and a pet tarantula.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: A man fitting the description of the killer you described fell off a building near your apartment. Mr

Big would like to know what happened.

ARNOLD: How did you know he fitted the description?

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: We have our sources.

ARNOLD: I don’t know. Maybe he was stargazing and got attacked by a swarm of killer butterflies or something.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Killer butterflies, eh?

ARNOLD: They’re common place in South America.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Yeah, Mr Big’s going to love that one too. Anyway, Mr Big would like you to know that his finances are taking a hit, what with the funeral expenses of two of his employees.

ARNOLD: I’m sure they were great guys.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Well, you know how funeral expenses ain’t cheap. Anyway, he’s big into astrology, is Mr Big. He sees in the stars that you’re due a big windfall.

ARNOLD: I doubt it. 

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: So, here are the details of an offshore account. 

The gangster hands over a bank form.

Mr Big would be grateful for a contribution, as a reward for his hard work, in the community and all.

Arnold accepts the form.

ARNOLD: If I do come into some money, I’m sure I’ll be thinking of you guys too. I’d be grateful for a favourable reference to your boss.

SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Killer butterflies? He’s such a kidder.

INT. LUXURY SPA IN HELL - NIGHT

Andrea is seated by a pool when an unhappy Lorazar approaches.

ANDREA: Do you ever smile?

LORAZAR: I’m an underlord. We never smile.

ANDREA: It must be something in your past.

LORAZAR: Lets not go there.

ANDREA: So, what’s behind that door?

Andrea points to the door that Mr Barnacle failed to identify.

LORAZAR: Even I don’t want to know what is behind that door. I see people go in there but never come out.

Andrea climbs to her feet. Lorazar tries to warn her against it.

LORAZAR: Andrea

Andrea opens the door.

Dozens and dozens of men and women sit there, filled with misery and staring blankly into space.

Lorazar approaches her.

ANDREA: Who are they?

LORAZAR: People like you, who have been here for hundreds of years.

ANDREA: Oh Lorazar...

Andrea reaches out to hold him, but he stops her.

LORAZAR: Whatever you do down here you must not show emotion. They know everything that happens here.

ANDREA: Is there nothing that can be done?

LORAZAR: This is a war zone you’re battling through. You must be cold and tough to survive.

I/E. STREET NEAR ARNOLDS APARTMENT - EVENING

Arnold is dropped off on the street near his apartment. As he walks Andrea talks to him.

ANDREA: What’s troubling you Arnold?

ARNOLD: Sometimes it feels as though, whatever I do, nothing goes right for me. I can’t stop it getting to me.

ANDREA: I’ve known you a while now. I’ve shown you all the best moves. You’re just not lucky. You’re like manure that has more manure thrown on top of it, that is trampled on by cattle...

ARNOLD: Why can’t I be the farmer who uses the manure, like fertiliser to grow things that we can eat.

ANDREA: You can’t be the farmer, Arnold

ARNOLD: I think I’d like to be a farmer. I could grow onions and tomatoes and...

ANDREA: You’re wasting your time, doing good things Arnold. The people who are selfish and mean are the ones who really get rewarded at the end of their lives.

ARNOLD: That’s not true.

ANDREA: Heaven isn’t what you think it is. You don’t want to get old Arnold. Once you hit sixty your limbs start to fall off. It’s not much fun.

ARNOLD: Lasting happiness doesn’t come from drugs or food or... It comes from generosity and kindness

ANDREA: I suppose that comes from your precious bible

ARNOLD: I don’t believe in a god, Andrea but I do believe in good. It just seems that bad is winning.

INT. ANDREA'S CONTROL ROOM IN HELL

Andrea shows a flicker of emotion and stands up and walks back from her station.

Mr Barnacle walks in.

MR BARNACLE: You had him on the precipice and you backed off. All you had to do was push him off the edge. What is wrong with you? Do you want to throw everything away for a deadbeat loser?

ANDREA: ’m working on it, Mr Barnacle.

MR BARNACLE: I’m concerned Fiddlestone. Our monitors show that you are displaying signs of depth. That is the last thing we tolerate here.

ANDREA: Me? I’m as shallow as they come.

MR BARNACLE: Since you’ve been here, you haven’t taken any drugs.

ANDREA: They aren’t really my scene.

MR BARNACLE: They’re our most popular activity. Everyone else does them

ANDREA: Maybe another time.

MR BARNACLE: Is it because of your sister?

ANDREA: That ship has sailed. I want to deliver on my potential.

MR BARNACLE: Don’t you want the gold membership? Anything you’ve dreamed of. All your fantasies fulfilled and best of all; no judgement. All I ask is that you turn him.

ANDREA: Well. As it is Mr Barnacle, all my fantasies are fulfilled. I really couldn’t ask for anything more.

MR BARNACLE: I’ll be watching you. Just do your job.

INT. ARNOLDS APARTMENT MAIN LIVING AREA - EVENING

Arnold opens the door of the apartment where he sees Frederick sitting in front of his laptop.

FREDERICK: I’ve been worried about you Arnold. The world is about to end in seven days and you go ahead and disappear on me

ARNOLD: What do you mean the world is about to end?

FREDERICK: It says so here on the internet. It quotes a famous South American tribe that predict the world is coming to an end in seven days. It even has a dooms day clock. Look.

Frederick turns around his laptop.

Six days, twenty two hours, forty six minutes and thirteen seconds.

ARNOLD: Frederick, please don’t believe everything you look at on the internet. Nobody can see into the future.

FREDERICK: Arnold don’t be so pig-headed. This means I have less than seven days to bed Aspa Lavista. She’s the girl of my dreams. If I’m going out, I’m going out with a bang.

Frederick picks up a magazine. He shows Arnold a picture of a very attractive female centrefold

ARNOLD: I don’t want to burst your bubble or anything, Frederick, but you may have intense competition. Besides that may not be her real name.

FREDERICK: That’s never stopped me before.