Project Five (Rewrite): Part Nine
INT. OLD ABANDONNED INDUSTRIAL BUILDING - DAY
Channon calls Moyen Strasbourg. The wealthy businesswoman sits behind her desk in her office.
CHANNON: Mrs Strasbourg, we have him. What do you want us to do with him?
INT. MOYEN STASBOURG'S RESIDENCE (OFFICE)
MOYEN STASBOURG: I don’t want any mistakes. He’s proven slippery and costly up to this point. Eliminate him.
INT. OLD ABANDONNED INDUSTRIAL BUILDING
CHANNON: Yes chief.
Channon hangs up the phone.
CHANNON: Ari, finish the job off.
CUT TO:
INT. MEDIUM SIZED ROOM IN OLD ABANDONNED BUILDING - DAY
Ari enters the room where Arnold is bound, with a gun in his hand. He puts the gun in its holster, loosens the ties on Arnold’s hands before kneeing him in the face.
ARI: Ok, kid, let’s see what you’ve got.
Arnold stands on his feet. Ari punches him on the head and then on the body
ANDREA: Come on Arnold. You’re not a quitter.
Arnold receives another blow
ANDREA: You have an opportunity. Take it.
Ari hops from one foot to the other
ARI: This is too easy. You’re a total doofus.
ARNOLD: Nobody calls me a doofus.
Arnold punches Ari on the chin. Ari falls to the ground.
ANDREA: The insult approach? Why didn’t I think of that?
Arnold touches his bruised and battered face.
ARNOLD: How do I look?
ANDREA: Adorable.
EXT. OLD ABANDONNED INDUSTRIAL BUILDING - DAY
Arnold runs out of the room and out of the building. Channon pursues him on foot. Andrea is running alongside him.
ANDREA: Well done, you’re doing well
Out of breath, Arnold comes to a stop.
ARNOLD: I can’t run anymore
Channon is ten yards away when he points his gun at Arnold
CHANNON: Back inside.
ARNOLD: No. You’re going to kill me anyway. You might as well do it here
CHANNON: Very well then.
Channon fires the gun but aims to miss by a fraction. It grazes, Arnold’s suit.
ARNOLD: God damn it. Now I have to buy a new suit.
CHANNON: That’s the least of your worries. The next one won’t miss.
Lorazar catches up. The underlord ignites a flame under Channons wrists. Channon winces in pain. He drops the gun.
Arnold runs forward and punches Channon in the jaw.
Arnold hurts his hand but reaches for the gun which is now on the ground.
ARNOLD (to Lorazar): What took you so long
LORAZAR: A hundred cigarettes a day slows you down.
ARNOLD: You pick a hell of a time for a cigarette break.
The abductor’s van races out of the building towards Arnold. Channon rolls out of the way. Arnold aims a gunshot for the tyres but misses. At the third attempt he succeeds. The van goes out of control and crashes.
Arnold checks on the occupants of the van. Charlotte is in the passenger seat with a broken nose among her injuries. Sylvia is also badly injured.
ARNOLD: Not so special now, are you?
CUT TO:
EXT. TWO HUNDRED YARDS FROM ABANDONNED BUILDING - DAY
Detective Legowski arrives on the scene and approaches Arnold.
DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: I’ve got you now Palmer. Use of a firearm. Intent to kill. Riding a motorcycle without a helmet. I’m going to throw the book at you.
Agent Maverick rushes up to the detective.
AGENT SCOTT MAVERICK : Step aside Detective.
DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: Step aside? Palmer is one of the greatest criminal masterminds since Ernst Stavro Blofeld and you want me to step aside?
AGENT SCOTT MAVERICK: He has captured several criminals. The man deserves a medal.
ARNOLD: Thanks, but I’d settle for a new suit instead.
INT. ANDREA'S CONTROL ROOM IN HELL - DAY
Mr Barnacle slams down on the controls. The screen malfunctions and beeps loudly.
MR BARNACLE: Nobody survives a death wish
A man in black robes, black boots and a pointed black hat and mascara enters the room.
MAN IN BLACK: This is a major failure Mr Barnacle
MR BARNACLE: I accept full responsibility. I didn’t see it coming.
MAN IN BLACK: Don’t be a fool. You know that nobody down here accepts responsibility for anything. It’s the tribunal for you.
MR BARNACLE: Don’t I get a second chance?
MAN IN BLACK: That’s not for me to say. The big boss likes to get people’s hopes up so he can crush them. I could tell you that you have a chance but what do I know? It’s the hope that kills you.
Two men wearing armoured uniforms enter and proceed to cuff Mr Barnacle.
MR BARNACLE: Isn’t there anything I can do?
MAN IN BLACK: Accepting responsibility? That’s a death sentence if ever there was one.
INT. MR PEABODY’S OFFICE - DAY
Andrea sits down in a chair opposite Mr Peabody
MR PEABODY: I’ve reviewed your recent performance, Miss Fiddlestone. I’m not entirely happy.
ANDREA: Who is?
MR PEABODY: Up here, as I have said to you - we play by the rules. You tend to bend them.
ANDREA: It seems so unfair that the soultakers can do anything they want, break any rules and we have so many of them.
MR PEABODY: Life isn’t fair Andrea. What would you rather do?
ANDREA: I can fight fair Mr Peabody. I like it here. I could even offer to redesign your whole office - for free.
MR PEABODY: That won’t be necessary
EXT. STANDOFF HOTEL - NIGHT
Arnold sits in a taxi outside the hotel. A number of well dressed men and women are entering the hotel. Among them are
Chaim and Lydia.
TAXI DRIVER: Are you going in or not?
ARNOLD: I guess I was hoping for a miracle to happen.
TAXI DRIVER: Is that a yes or a no? You sound like my wife.
ARNOLD: Take me home.
ANDREA: I’m sorry Arnold that it didn’t work out. Who knows what the future might hold.
ARNOLD: I guess I just have to make the most of the hand I’ve been dealt.
The taxi driver stops the car.
TAXO DRIVER: Ok, that’s it. Get out of my car, you whackjob.
Arnold opens the door and climbs out.
TAXI DRIVER: That’ll be fifty bucks
ARNOLD: I thought you said twenty-five.
TAXI DRIVER: The extra twenty-five is for therapy for dealing with a looney tunes.
Arnold hands over the money.
TAXI DRIVER: Not exactly playing with a full deck, are you?
EXT. BENCH IN LOCAL PARK - LUNCHTIME
Arnold is seated on a bench, when Samuel Snead approaches.
SAMUEL SNEAD: Mr Palmer, I’m afraid that Mr Strasbourg won’t be coming. He passed away several days ago. He wanted me to inform you that you are included as a beneficiary in his will. It is expected to take place in my offices in five weeks time.
ARNOLD: He was such a lovely man. I know, Mr Strasbourg couldn’t have had much to his name, I’d feel guilty about accepting anything from him.
SAMUEL SNEAD: You could donate to the Samuel Snead foundation.
ARNOLD: I guess, I’d have to think about it
SAMUEL SNEAD: Well just remember you heard it from me first.
INT. SAMUEL SNEAD’S OFFICE - DAY
Nesbitt Strasbourg, Arnold and Mrs Pinkleman sit in front of Mr Samuel Snead. Moyen enters in handcuffs and a prison uniform and escorted by a prison guard. She sits down.
SAMUEL SNEAD: Ok, now that we are all here. Let’s cut to the chase. To my dear friend Arnold Palmer, I leave my Underwood 5 typewriter. It was given to me by my father. I hope it gets the use and success that it deserves.
NESBITT STRASBOURG: Is that all?
SAMUEL SNEAD: Yes.
Nesbitt punches the air and smiles.
SAMUEL SNEAD: To Moyen Strasbourg, I leave the sum of two million dollars.
MOYEN STASBOURG: Lousy son of a...
SAMUEL SNEAD: To Nesbitt Strasbourg, I leave the sum of two million dollars.
NESBITT STRASBOURG: Old fart.
SAMUEL SNEAD: Finally, to Mrs Janus Pinkleman, who has brought such joy to my life, I leave the remainder of my estate.
NESBITT STRASBOURG: This is an outrage.
MRS PINKELMAN: Eat my shorts.
CUT TO:
EXT. SAMUEL SNEAD’S OFFICES - DAY
A young man in a red Ferrari pulls up and lets Mrs Pinkleman into the passenger seat. She holds up her finger.
MRS PINKELMAN: Chew on this, suckers.
The Ferrari speeds off.
One of Mr Big’s employees stands beside a large Audi car.
MR BIG’S HENCHMAN: Palmer, Mr Big would like to offer you a lift home.
ARNOLD: I think the exercise would do me good.
MR BIG’S HENCHMAN: It’s non-negotiable
INT. MR BIG'S CAR (STATIONARY)
Arnold takes a seat in the back of the car and places his typewriter beside him. The Henchman sits beside him. Small Time Freddie occupies the front passenger seat.
SMALL TIME FREDDIE: As you’re aware, Mr Big has endured significant losses arising from the death of Miss Fiddlestone and he holds you culpable.
INT. MR BIG'S CAR (MOVING)
The driver moves the car out of its parked position.
Mr Big would like to come to a financial settlement. Among the items of this bill are, fuel costs two hundred and seven dollars, stationery, seventy-eight dollars, hair loss, eight thousand and eighty dollars, Staff costs, six thousand and forty dollars, emotional distress, one million and seventy thousand dollars. As you well know, that translates to a lot of money, and I don’t have a calculator with me.
ARNOLD: And I thought I was on his Christmas card list.
SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Don’t worry Mr Big will continue to send you cards at Christmas as a valued associate as long as you cover the stationery bill. Now if you throw in the typewriter, Mr Big will settle for twenty thousand dollars, plus interest.
ARNOLD: I guess it is rather heavy.
SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Mr Big has the writing bug and all. Mr Big also would like you to know that he holds Mr Knowles responsible for the murder of his employees. He killed a hundred and thirty-nine people. That’s almost as many as me.
Arnold chuckles nervously, but the criminal gives him a deadpan look.
SMALL TIME FREDDIE: Now, in order to avoid unnecessary additional fuel costs, we’re going to leave you out here.
The car comes to a stop and Arnold climbs out.
EXT. STREET NEAR ARNOLDS APARTMENT - DAY
On his way home Arnold sees Detective Legowski.
DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: You haven’t heard the last of me Palmer, I’ll follow you around like a bad smell. One day Palmer, one day you’ll make a mistake. You may fool everyone Palmer but you don’t fool me.
ARNOLD: Detective Legowski, did I ever tell you that everything in life can relate to fishing. If you keep focusing on one small fish, you might let the bigger and fatter ones get away.
DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: You know I don’t talk Canadian Palmer, so stop trying to pull the wool from over my eyes.
Arnold walks away.
DETECTIVE LEGOWSKI: One day Palmer one day.
INT. ARNOLDS APARTMENT, LIVING AREA - DAY
Arnold closes the door of his room. Frederick shuffles around the living area.
FREDERICK: What is that suitcase doing there?
ARNOLD: I’m leaving
FREDERICK: You can’t just leave.
ARNOLD: Don’t worry. I squared it up with the landlord.
FREDERICK: Who’s going to pay the rent?
ARNOLD: I’ve done my calculations. I have IOU’s for 63 Cornflakes boxes, 47 bottles of coke, 87 milk cartons, 23 rental payments and one shower cap. That should be enough.
FREDERICK: You can’t do this to me.
ARNOLD: Oh yes, I can
FREDERICK: I’ll give you back the shower cap.
ARNOLD: My decision is final.
FREDERICK: Where are you going to go?
ARNOLD: I’ll figure something out.
EXT. BENCH IN LOCAL PARK - DAY
Arnold is seated at a bench in the park with a suitcase when Andrea approaches.
ANDREA: Arnold, that is the ugliest suitcase I’ve ever seen.
ARNOLD: Well, its functional
ANDREA: What made you move out?
ARNOLD: I thought of what you would say and did the opposite.
ANDREA: I knew it had something to do with me. Now that things are looking up, I’ll be leaving you.
ARNOLD: Where to?
ANDREA: They won’t say. I’ve been reassigned.
ARNOLD: Despite everything we’ve been through Fiddlestone, the murder attempts, the lies, the abductions, I will miss you.
ANDREA: If you want to save money on your heating bills I know just the guy.
ARNOLD: I’d rather avoid the whole fire hazard thing.
ANDREA: Don’t worry Arnold Palmer. Your luck will change some time. If it doesn’t you can put it in your first novel. Some people go for that kind of thing.
Andrea starts to fade.
ARNOLD: Goodbye Andrea Fiddlestone
TAMARA: I like your suitcase.
Arnold looks around. Tamara sits beside him.
ARNOLD: Well, at least somebody appreciates it.
TAMARA: I talk to people too
ARNOLD: You wouldn’t like mine. She’s very annoying.
ANDREA (O.S.) I heard that.
Arnold turns to Tamara.
ARNOLD: Tell me about your friends.